Christine, in the words of Al Bundy, "Love and marriage, love and marriage, go together like a horse and carriage...".
But as anyone who has watched Al's life knows, marriage isn't necessarily a bed of roses. There would be few married people who haven't waded through the swamps you describe, looking for answers.
We are basing most of our relationships on culturally adopted models from a hundred years ago, when sex meant children and women therefore needed community protection, so state or church enforced marriage terms were essential to protect women and children.
Roles were fairly universal too. Women had babies. Usually lots of them. There were no mod cons and domestic function depended on lots of work, with children working too. Men were out in the fields or at the factory or some other place of work which meant all day long. People also died young. Average life expectancy 100 years ago being something like 50 years. Yes, all you baby boomers. The game would have been up for half of you already!! The widows could put on black shawls and retreat to a rocking chair.
Then came contraceptives, small families, mixed roles at home and at work, mod cons galore, more money and time. Expectations changing, family ties diluted or gone. Social infrastructure fragmented. But the old idea still applied and we tried to accept it. Amongst all this there was cultural fragmentation as people's value systems changed all over the place. No more the homogenous WASP attitudes with a homogenous culture circumscribing behaviour. Which was never very well controlled anyway, but the variability was somewhat suppressed as legions of men marched to war and were schooled in the art of being the same as each other.
Now, we are each looking for self-fulfillment. Following our own star. But ever closer locked into the world of our partner because of the nuclear family of a man, woman and one, two or no children.
Perversely, with all the freedom we have, our freedoms are actuallly reduced as we try to conform to an ancient irrelevant structure. One or two children is not a full time job, no matter how much women might moan and groan about the hard life they have at home. Well, two children might be for maybe 4 years. But that is about it. After that, the children should be out and about for much of the day with their pals. A carpet can only be vacuumed so many times before it becomes obsessive behaviour. So then the woman needs some activity. The guy comes home from work and flops in front of tv. And there they sit.
Pretty soon the woman is barking at the guy for trampling all over her estate. He's frustrated at his boring little life of work and tv. They simply see too much of each other and have expectations of each other which they cannot fulfill for each other. Soon, the arguments start. Then, getting nowhere, the walls start going up. Then the chilll sets in.
And before you know it, there are outside attractions starting to provide the warmth which originally came from within as the couple supported each other powerfully in the early days of children and achieving their common goals.
They gaze balefully across the table at each other and wonder how the other became such a cold, unfeeling bitch/bastard.
Then the explosion. The hurt, the sadness, frusration, anger, frightened children wells up and they fly apart. Like a supernova.
This is not a rare event. As we know. Propelling the explosion are basic differences, territorial needs, sexual demands, money expectations, all sorts. Which earlier were subsumed in passion, children and busy busy busy.
What to do? Various of my friends are setting about resolving some things. Territoriality is being established and resolved with separate sleeping and living space. Money is being treated as separate so each can spend without reference to the other's expectations. By separating aspects of their lives, they reduce conflict potential. So that then they can enjoy mutuality with at least a few less problems.
Jealousy comes from inadequately met needs and expectations, together with fear. Imagine a child jealous of another's large icecream. Fill the jealous one with ice cream and they pretty soon won't be grabbing for a bite from the other child. You described sex as a potential problem. If one partner is totally satiated and the other isn't, why should the first feel jealous of outside relationships? Do they really want a permanently unhappy partner - some sort of prisoner who must suffer in silence? I suppose the problem is that along with sex comes a whole raft of baggage. The third party will start making demands on time, energy, money, and disrupt the original unsatisfied relationship even more than it satisfies the missing aspect of sex.
Okay, so it is pretty damn tricky and I don't have the answers either. But the cause is reasonably clear. Together with the idea of romantic love as the sole basis for a marriage expected to last 50 years. Not many people solely go by romantic love, but of course it is a big part of most people's initial relationship. Not in arranged marriages of course with input from the older and wiser.
Well, a few ideas there.
Maurice. |
