The speech he wanted to give...and should have.
"Members of Congress...people of America....I
banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong.
Which is not news, folks, because if you
think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute
player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying
attention. The only babes in D.C. I haven't
tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright,
and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older
than I like and they have legs that former Houston
Oiler Earl Campbell would envy. Which isn't to
say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do. If not for
the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be
pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas,
and she'd be married to the President.
"So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the
draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped
Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in
the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush
money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an
upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that
entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good.
"Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child
who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen.
But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be
a good move on your part. Your other choice was
Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time
resident of some place called "Kennebunkport" who
thought he could bomb his way into the White
House. Before him, it was Reagan, who left the
office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with.
"There was Carter before him who brought you a 17%
prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like
his lithium drip had just kicked in. Nixon before
that coined, but never really understood, the
concept of 'plausible deniability,' and got a
one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack
style of governing. Johnson was an inbred,
power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to
American society was Agent Orange. And John
Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't
hang around long enough for America to spot that
curious atavistic tic for "beaver-wrestling"
shared by at least a dozen former residents of the
White House.
"Which brings me back to my point. Since I have
been strumming the banjo here at the White House,
government is doing more for less. The budget is
balanced for the first time since JFK did a one
gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't
seem to care about, evidently. Unemployment is so
low today a blind felon can get a job as a night
watchman. And the stock market is higher than a
D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone
with a degree from a junior college who can
spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the
annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of
where his or her next meal is coming from.
"Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm
doing it with my pecker showing. What I'm asking
for is your support, not a date with your daughter
... unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin
ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it. In the
meantime, think about where you are today and what
kind of life you're living before you get too
interested in where I'm parking the Presidential
limousine. Thank you, good night and God bless
America."
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