The following was posted by intelligent life by the name of Dan Ford on a Republican discussion group. Hope y'all enjoy it as much as I did.
Official Rebuttal (Version 17g) of the Ken Starr Report
Prepared by the Federal Archives Research Team,
the White House Operatives Research Enterprise,
and the President's Investigative Security Section (Eagle Division), Office of Fact Finding
(The version supercedes Versions 1 through 17f. Information contained herein shall be construed as relevant until further revision, and the facts listed herein as well as descriptive verbage may be subject to repeated redaction without notice, until relevant indicators show widespread acceptance, or until January, 2001, whichever comes first.)
CAUTION! The material presented in this document may contain details not hithertofore understood by the general public, and may tend to confuse laypersons attempting to read it in its original form. For better understanding, the public is invited to listen to commentary derived from this document as broadcast on National Public Radio, CNN, the Geraldo Show, from the Geraldine Ferraro half of "Crossfire," Dan Rather, or from Eleanor Clift. That is all.
Section I -- The President Cares About Your Pain
a. Really!
b. Lower Lip Biting as an Indicator
c. The Anguish Over the Decision to Neuter or Not Neuter Buddy, the First Hound
Section II -- Hillary Clinton is a Sainted Woman, Deserving of Your Respect
a. Tammy Wynette's Theme Song -- A Driving Force in Hillary's Life
b. If She Can Live in the Same House as Bill, Surely You Can Put Up With Him!
c. For a Little While Longer, PLEEEEEEEEEZE?
Section III -- All That Bill Clinton Does, He Does For Our Children
a. Don't Ya Know?
b. He's the ONLY Shield Between Your Children and Gruesome Death at the Hands of Republicans
c. Photo Ops at Schools
Section IV -- What About That Ken Starr, Anyway?
a. He's a MADMAN, Out To Destroy Our President, Larry!
b. It's a WAR!
c. The Martian Connection
d. Selling Cigarettes to Your Babies!
Section V -- Great Extramarital Affairs of History
a. Samson and Delilah
b. Bonnie and Clyde
c. David and Bathsheba
d. Hugh Hefner and the Women of the Playboy Mansion
e. Catherine the Great and Her Royal Guards
f. Not To Mention Her Horse!
g. Did Catherine the Great Enjoy Cigars? New Research!
h. Everybody Does It, Anyway!
i. Nobody's Perfect
j. He Who Is Without Sin, Let Him Cast The First Stone
k. Neener! Neener! Neener!
Section VI -- He's REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY Sorry!
a. Just Look at ANY TV Sound Bites For The Past Week!
b. All the TV News People Say So!
c. The Polls!
d. Man-On-The-Street Interviews
e. Lower Lip Biting as an Indicator
f. Tears at the Ron Brown Funeral
Section VII -- Why Don't You Believe Him?
a. The "60 Minutes" Appearance
b. Ron Brown's Funeral
c. "Legally Accurate," But Not Volunteering Information -- C'Mon!
d. Madeleine Albright Said She Believed Him in January!
e. The Polls, Dammit!
Section VIII -- The President's Many Prayer Breakfasts and Church Attendance Statistics
a. Liberal Ministers' Prayer Breakfast, (September 11, 1998)
b. Jesse Jackson, Man of God, and His Characterization
c. Is That A Bible In Your Hand, Mr. President?
d. President 90 Percent More Likely to Be Filmed Going In/Coming Out of a Church Than Average Citizen
e. Taking the Eucharist in Africa (His Multi-Dimensional Religious Observances, Usually Before Cameras!)
Section IX -- Potential for War In Korea, Iraq, China, Sudan, and Afghanistan
a. Korea: Renege, and A Raspberry For Ya!
b. Irag: Tied Hands and Grand Posturing!
c. China: OMIGOSH! They Have Nuclear Missile AND Satellite Technology!
d. Sudan and Afghanistan: Those Pesky "Drug" Companies COULD Be Manufacturing Chemical Weapons! At The Same Time This Monica Mess Is Playing Out in the Front Pages of America's Newspapers!
e. We Simply Can't Afford These Dual Distractions!
Section X -- It's a GREAT Economy, Stupid!
a. Better N' George Bush!
b. Better N' The Greed Filled 80s!
c. Unemployment's Down!
d. Sure the Stock Market is Like a Roller Coaster During the San Francisco Quake of 1906, But Who Really Understands All That Stuff Anyway?
e. Shut Up and Concentrate on How Rich You're Becoming, Already!
Section XI -- Geez! I Hope They Don't Remember Eleanor Mondale!
a. Jogging On The Beach As A Completely Innocent Pastime! Especially After A Late Night "Talk" Session!
b. White House Visits for Consultations on Many Very, Very Important Foreign and Domestic Issues
Section XII -- It's PRIVATE, Dammit!
a. It's MY Oval Office!
b. Their MY Secret Service Agents!
c. Betty Currie's MY Secretary!
d. Those Gifts Are MINE to Give and Receive!
e. Secret Tie Code? What Secret Tie Code?
f. I'm Not in YOUR Bedroom With a Camera, Am I? Why Do You Think You Should Be In MINE?
g. Doesn't the Constitution Guarantee a Fundamental Right of Privacy? Yeah, That's The Ticket!
Section XIII -- Bridge to the 21st Century, Remember?
a. What About My Legacy?
b. Wiring The Internet to Every Outhouse With My Pal, Al Gore
c. First Balanced Budget In, Oh, About 200 Years! And I Did It All Myself!
Section XIV -- Perjury, Shmurgury!
a. Anybody Would Lie About Sex to Maintain Privacy! ANYBODY, Do You Understand?
b. It's Really OK If It's Just About Sex, and You Feel It Necessary in Order to Maintain Office So You Can Defeat the Republican Juggernaut
c. Everyone Else Does It, Too!
d. Perjury Isn't Perjury If You Don't Really Understand The Question
e. Why The Concept of "Sex" Is So Darn Complicated For Me!
Section XV -- Where Do YOU Think the Information on Dan Burton and Helen Chenoweth Came From? (Hint: Craig Livingstone, Anthony Marceca, and 900 Or So "Folders")
a. Hmmm?
b. "Those Who Live In Glass Houses Shouldn't Throw Stones" -- You Know What We Mean?
c. Nudge, Nudge, Wink, Wink!
Section XVI -- I Have Never Had Sex With That Woman, Monica Lewinsky
a. Legally Accurate
b. On Not Volunteering Information
c. Met The Legal Definition, As I Understand It, Yessiree!
d. Sex Isn't Sex If You're On the Receiving End
e. Touching Her? No Way, Man!
SectionXVII -- And If I Did, It Was Merely An "Inappropriate Relationship"
a. I'm Still Sorry!
b. It's All Ken Starr's Fault!
c. He Hates Arkansasians!
d. Vast Right Wing Conspiracy
e. New Treatments for Sexual Addiction
f. Thank Heavens for That Amendment Which Says an Incapacitated President Can Come Back When He Says He's OK Again!
SectionXVIII -- OK, Many Times
a. But I Really Didn't Remember a "Single" Incidence of Being Alone With That Woman!
b. Ten! Is That Such a BIG Number?
c. Why "Phone Sex" Doesn't Count
d. Do I Get Credit For Trying To End The Relationship?
e. SHE Kept Coming On To ME!
Section XIX -- And Sometimes With Cigars
a. Cubans In The Oval Office
b. You've Gotta Get This "The Receiving End" Concept, Or You'll Never Understand!
c. Is It Any Wonder Hillary Hates Cigars in the White House?
SectionXX -- But It's Getting Easier To Beg Your Forgiveness The More I Do It
a. I'm Getting My Story Down Pat, Now
b. Practice Makes Perfect
c. The More You Repeat Something, The More Readily People Will Believe It
d. Apologize Early, and Apologize Often (With Apologies to Chicago's Democratic Voting Strategy!)
e. Thank Goodness for the Willing Shills in the Media!
__________
Respectfully Submitted, on This 12th Day of September, In the Year of Our Lord, 1998
Dan "We Can Have Some Fun With This" Ford |
