> An early peek at Clinton's Contrition Speech................
>
> "Members of Congress...people of America....
>
> I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news,
> folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin
> flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention.
> The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are The First Lady,
> Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a Little older
> than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl
> Campbell would envy. Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...
> I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be
> pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be
> married to the President.
>
> So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI
> files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean
> wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to
> Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and
> grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good.
>
> Six years ago, there wasn't a man, woman, or child who didn't know I
> was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned
> out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging
> Baseball player and part-time resident of some place called
> "Kennebunkport." There was Reagan, who left the office with the same
> Alzheimer's he came in with. There was Carter before him who brought
> you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium
> drip had just kicked in. Nixon before that coined, but never really
> understood, the concept of 'plausible deniability,' and almost got a
> one-way ticket to San Quentin (instead of San Clemente) for his
> crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war
> criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent
> Orange. And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang
> around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for
> "beaver-wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former residents of
> the White House. Which brings me back to my point...
>
> Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, the
> government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the
> first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the
> press didn't seem to care about, evidently. Unemployment is so low today
> a
> blind felon can get a job as a night-watchman. The stock market is
> higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with
> a degree from a junior college who can spell 'internet' has enough
> money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where
> his or her next meal is coming from. Bottom line: I'm running a
> country here and I'm doing it with my pecker showing.
>
> What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your
> daughter... unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then
> I'd like
> to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you are today and
> what kind of life you're living before you get too interested in
> where I'm parking the Presidential limousine.
>
> Thank you, good night and God bless America! |
