Starr light, Starr bright
By Joseph Spear
One wonders what the future holds for Kenneth Starr once he has purged the nation's capital
of the Sodomites and fornicators who have befouled its marble hallways the past six years.
He has a standing offer from Pepperdine University, a school heavily bankrolled by right-wing
moneybag Richard Mellow Scaife. But that would be such a waste of the man's talents. His
country needs him. Maybe he can be persuaded to continue public service.
For example, there is a movement in the GOP to purify its ranks and ensure its candidates are
virtuous people of flawless character.
Conservative author and broadcaster James Dobson has warned Republicans they must
accentuate moral issues or risk his defection. Morality guru William Bennett recently
proclaimed closets will be searched in the year 2000. "Notice to Republican candidates," he
said. "If you committed adultery, I don't think you are going to get the nomination."
Making sure all GOP candidates are unadulterated, so to speak, will require an overseer with
impeccable credentials. It strikes me that Starr, a minister's son who sings hymns as he jogs, a
man who never curses, would be perfect for this position.
What he could do is hire a staff of fire-eating prosecutors and set himself up as sort of an
inspector general of the new Holy Republican Party. He'll have to think of a title, of course.
The Guiding Starr would be perfect.
He could then summon Republican candidates and polygraph them; swear them in and
demand a recitation of their sexual histories. He could issue notices that anyone who knows
about these candidates should rat on them. Perjurers would be offered lesser sentences if they
snitched. The uncooperative would be imprisoned.
There would be no need to interrogate Sen. John McCain, who has indicated an interest in the
presidential nomination. He is a tough conservative and a war hero, but he has already
admitted to adulterous relationships, so he would be disqualified.
It would be interesting to hear the testimony of a few sanctimonious blowhards, however. For
example:
n Newt Gingrich. Vanity Fair magazine reported in 1995 that he had several affairs. Anne
Manning, a former campaign worker, was quoted as saying she had a fling with Gingrich
during his first marriage. Let's put Newt under oath and see what he's got to say.
n Dan Quayle. In 1980, Dan and two other Republican congressmen took a golf trip with
lobbyist (later Playboy pinup) Paula Parkinson. He has long insisted nothing untoward
happened, but wouldn't it be nice to get his denial under oath?
n Rep. Bob Barr. The Georgia congressman who has been trying to impeach Bill Clinton for
months is now on his third marriage. Several years ago, it was reported he had been
photographed in the act of licking whipped cream off the breasts of "two buxom women"
during a charity fund-raiser. If Kenneth Starr doesn't mind, I'd like to sit in on that deposition.
The Guiding Starr of the Holy Republican Party might need a house organ. I would suggest
Insight magazine. Published by the Rev. Sun Myung Moon, Insight recently outed Colorado
Gov. and Democratic National Committee chairman Roy Romer as a possible philanderer and
thus has experience in this emerging field.
As far as decrees, I would suggest the Guiding Starr of the Holy Republican Party begin by
banning satellite dishes. The Saudis have done this, and it seems to be working. The Guiding
Starr might also check into a tactic being tried in Malaysia's fundamentalist Muslim state of
Kelantan. Authorities there have ordained lights be left on in movie theaters to foil hugging and
kissing.
Your time has come, Mr. Starr. America needs you.
Newspaper Enterprise Assn.
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