Dave Barry article:
Forget the news, full sleaziness ahead!
Anchor: Good evening, this is Tom Brokaw or possibly
Peter Jennings, and tonight we have word that
astronomers have detected a giant asteroid that, on its
current calculated trajectory, could very likely slam into
the Earth sometime next week and wipe out all life on the
planet. But our top story tonight is the ongoing alleged sex
scandal involving President Clinton and Monica
Lewinsky, whose picture we are showing you now for the
estimated four millionth time, so that even when you close
your eyes, there she is! Monica Lewinsky! We can't get
enough of her! Here in the news media we are so excited
about this scandal that we are changing our
undergarments on an hourly basis. We go now to a
correspondent standing in front of the White House for
the latest developments.
Correspondent: Tom or Peter, the latest development is
that today, when the president issued his ritualistic
flagrantly insincere denial that nobody believes except
Buddy the White House dog, he said there is ''absolutely,
positively no truth'' to the allegations. This is a dramatic
escalation from yesterday's ritualistic denial, when the president said only that there
was ''absolutely'' no truth.
Anchor: So the president has now added a ''positively'' to the ''absolutely.''
Correspondent: That is correct. Presidential spokesperson Mike McCurry was
asked about this discrepancy at today's regularly scheduled White House press
frenzy, and he said, quote, ''There is no significance whatsoever to the blah blah
blah.''
Anchor: He actually used the words ''blah blah blah?''
Correspondent: That is correct, and he also became very defensive when
members of the press pointed out that he looks as though he is styling his hair with
a Salad Shooter. The mood is tense at the White House, Peter or Tom.
Anchor: I'll say it is. Here's another look at the picture of Monica Lewinsky. Now
we go to our correspondent on Capitol Hill to see how the Republicans are
handling this.
Correspondent: Tom or Peter, I am here with the top Republican leaders to get
their views on this scandal.
First Republican: We have nothing to say.
Second Republican: That is correct. It is not our place to comment on whether or
not the president of the United States was having illicit sex in the White House.
First Republican: Oral sex.
Second Republican: With a woman practically his daughter's age.
First Republican: Right there in the Oval Office, unzipping his . . .
Correspondent (interrupting): Thank you! There you have it, Peter or Tom: The
Republican leadership staying above this sordid affair.
Anchor: Thank you, and now, for the benefit of those viewers who are just
awakening from comas, here's the picture of Monica Lewinsky. Next we go to our
correspondent covering Vice President Al Gore, to get his reaction to this scandal.
(We see the correspondent standing next to a large drain pipe, shouting into the
opening.)
Correspondent: Mr. Vice President! Sir! Can we get a comment on this scandal?
Sir? We know you're in there!
Anchor: Five days in a drain pipe! That's a modern vice-presidential record.
Correspondent: We think Tipper is slipping him food.
Anchor: We'll be back in a moment with more on this scandal, but first we will
break for these words from our sponsors, including the debut of the Monica
Lewinsky Nike commercial. |
