Hope this doesn't have Ossie ROTFPHP............
COPIED FROM A NEWSGROUP POSTING - (the author is responding to a woman
who accidentally walked into the men's restroom):
Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that
caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the
time. It's rare us guys ever hit what were aiming for.
Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start
spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something. You
see,something
you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of
their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals
are
being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still
manage
to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg,and
onto
his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those
little buggers can't be trusted.
After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no
longerallowed
to pee like a man standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. Shehas
convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had
gone
to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked
toilet
seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat
down,
she was going to kill me in my sleep.
Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because
you
and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I
might
as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies
need
to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood".
Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to
pee,
and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how
hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it won't bend you
can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss
all
over the wall paper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women
insist
on putting on the toilet.
And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the
friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to
use
one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control
our less than perfect aim.
Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys inhere
will
back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn
fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing
until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that
compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn
toilet
seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie. So us
guyswill
not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe.
I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told
her... look, it won't bend. She said, "so sit down like I told you to do
all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with
"morning wood". Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet
seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath
towels
hanging on the wall across the room.
Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under
the
toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack
between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss
all
over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs onto
that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the florin
front of the toilet.
I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning
urinary
dilemma is to assume the flying Superman position laying over the toilet
seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split
time
precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl
during
the first morning pee.
So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame.
We
are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness,
but
there are times when things just get beyond our control.
It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature. Now, if it was Father
Nature,
there wouldn't have been a problem!
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