Top Ten Predictions for 1997:
10. Philip Lee will be appointed manager of the Fidelity Select Year 2000 Portfolio (3% load).
9. I myself will launch a closed-end fund called "Signs of Exuberance, Inc." (NYSE, symbol: SEX), that will be invested in Year 2000 stocks with p/e's over 200. It will begin trading at a 50% premium to NAV.
8. Tony Keyes will release a half-hour infomercial promoting his audiocassette course, "Your Path to Wealth in Year 2000 Stocks."
7. Mondoman will accept a position as Alan Greenspan's speechwriter. Global markets will be thrown into chaos when Greenspan begins a speech to the IMF with the words "DDIM = crap, VIAS = crap, ZITL = crap."
6. Fired by Greenspan, Mondoman will find employment with the Deluxe Check Printing Corp., manually changing all the 19's to 20's on billions of pre-printed checks.
5. Wall Street Week will devote an entire show to Year 2000. Louis Rukeyeser will explain the issue, using a 99-year old viewer and an Etch-a-sketch as props.
4. John Henry James will replace Mondoman as Greenspan's speechwriter. World markets will gap up 10% when Greenspan testifies before congress: "Yours not to reason why, yours but to buy and fly."
3. Kevin Schick will become a national celebrity, and appear in commercials for 2000 Flushes.
2. Pat Dittmar and the Mad Monk will accidentally meet in a bar near Fisherman's Wharf. A tearful, alcohol-drenched reunion will ensue. "I love you, man," sobs Pat, while the Monk signs a contract to personally handle all of Forecross' PR, and takes a private placement of 1 million Forecross shares at $10 per. (Next day the price of the placement is negotiated up to $15, due to "market conditions.")
1. Disney will release "Honey, I Shrank the Nest-Egg" starring Rick Moranis as Mondoman. |
