Some might find this amusing:
The Speech The President Should Have Given (From a democrat
obviously)
"Members of Congress... people of America .... it is with deep
regret that I come to tonight, and tell you unequivocally, I banged
her. I banged her louder than a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks,
because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only flute player in my
personal orchestra, you haven't been paying attention.
The only babes in D.C. I HAVEN'T tried to nail are the First
Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little
older than I like and they have legs that a linebacker would envy.
Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do. If not for the
ice- water running through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm
equipment somewhere in Little Rock, and she'd be married to the
President.
So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid the FBI
files, smoked some grass, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new
Chinese wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush
money to Hubbell, rented out the Lincoln bedroom like a roadside
motel, and grabbed every female ass that entered the Oval Office. Got
it? Good.
Six years ago, there was not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I
was as horny as a three dicked dog. But, you elected me anyway, which
turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush,
a prep-school Mama's boy who, without daddy's money, woulda been shift
manager of the outdoor gardening department of Wal-Mart.
Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same
Alzheimer's he came in with, and left the country with the biggest
deficit ever. Then there was Carter before him who brought you a 17%
interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just
kicked in. Before that, it was Nixon. Need I say more?
Which brings me back to my point. Since I have been strumming the
banjo on the back porch of the White House, government is doing more
for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a
one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact that the press and the Republicans
didn't seem to care about, evidently.
Unemployment is so low a blind felon can get a job as a
night-watchman. The stock market is higher than a high school
drop-out on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a
junior college who can spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the
cost of the annual maintenance on his yacht.
Bottom line: I'm running a country here. I may be doing it with my
pecker showing from time to time, but that's my business. What I'm
asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter ... unless,
of course, she's a hotty with nice ankles, and then I'd like to
discuss it.
In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life
you're living, before you get too interested in where I'm parking the
Presidential limousine. Oh, and by the way, Ken Starr? Fuck you, and
you're fired.
Thank you, and God bless America. Good night."
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