A little gallows humor. Nuts to You, Says Brazil. ARTHUR HOPPE, SF Chronicle
Monday, October 5, 1998
©1998 San Francisco Chronicle
URL:
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WISHING TO DO my part to save the global economy, I called up my friend
Oswaldo in Sao Paulo. ''Oswaldo,'' I said, ''you Brazilians have got to raise taxes
and tighten your belts.''
''Thank you for your kind advice,'' said Oswaldo. ''Why?''
''Because I need a new trash compacter,'' I said. ''The old one's making funny
noises.''
''That's a good reason,'' said Oswaldo. ''And my paying higher taxes would
help?''
''You bet,'' I said. ''No offense, but Brazil's economy is teetering on the brink. If
you go down the tubes, all of Latin America will go with you, not to mention Asia,
Russia and my trash compacter.''
''So why should you get to wallow in luxury?'' said Oswaldo, who was beginning
to sound a little testy. ''Go tighten your own belt.''
''You obviously don't understand global economics,'' I told him. ''It's our grim
duty to spend as much as our credit cards will bear in order to keep the wheels of
industry turning among our trading partners overseas. It's a grueling sacrifice, but
someone's got to do it.''
''I'd be glad to help,'' said Oswaldo. ''The kids need braces, my car needs new
tires and the driveway needs repaving. You can count on me.''
''No, no, don't tell me your problems,'' I said. ''You must defend your cherished
currency by not spending any of it. Higher taxes will help you achieve that goal.
Instead, you must sell more goods abroad.''
''How would you like 500 pounds of Brazil nuts?'' he said. ''Or what about a used
car that needs new tires?''
''Sorry,'' I said, ''But if you have a nice American-made trash compacter . . .''
''Look,'' he said, ''where do you get off telling me what to do? Go talk to the
Japanese or the Russians.''
''I already called my friend Yutaka in Tokyo,'' I said. ''I told him to get busy and
clean up his banking act and cut taxes.''
''Cut taxes?''
''Yes, we've decided he should spend more to stimulate his economy.''
''What did he say?'' asked Oswaldo. ''What does 'sayonara' mean?''
''And the Russians?''
''Their number's been disconnected,'' I said.
''Let's see,'' said Oswaldo, ''you want the Japanese to spend more, us to spend
less and the Russians to get a telephone.''
I sighed. ''Believe you me, Oswaldo,'' I said, ''it's not easy running the world. If
it's not spraying weed killer on South American marijuana farmers or blowing up
pharmaceutical factories in Sudan, it's telling governments around the world how to
handle their fiscal affairs.''
''It must be lonely at the top,'' said Oswaldo.
''Frankly,'' I said, ''sometimes I yearn for the good old days.''
''Me, too,'' agreed Oswaldo.
''You mean before all this instant global communication created one big family?'' I
asked.
''That's right,'' said Oswaldo, ''I mean when you minded your own business.''
©1998 San Francisco Chronicle Page A19
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