Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
anyone
going faster than you is a maniac?
--George Carlin
--------------------
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a
day
when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the [heck] she is.
--Ellen DeGeneris
--------------------
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
--Rita Rudner
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I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under
my
arms instead.
--Sue Kolinsky
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I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
--Carol Leifer
--------------------
I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must
eat
it with naked fat people.
--Ed Bluestone
--------------------
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day
you're off it.
--Jackie Gleason
--------------------
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The
girl at
the counter said,"do you want fries with that?"
--Jay Leno
--------------------
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught
dead in otherwise.
--Roger Himon
--------------------
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
--Dave Edison
--------------------
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by
candlelight.
--George Gobel
--------------------
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation
Army
instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back
for
seventy-five cents.
--Billiam Coronel
--------------------
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
--Oscar Wilde
--------------------
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I
hate
plants.
--A. Whitney Brown
--------------------
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's
life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if
there is a man on base.
--Dave Barry
--------------------
Suppose you were an idiot...And suppose you were a member of Congress...But
I
repeat myself.
--Mark Twain
--------------------
Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they
can find Kuwait.
--A. Whitney Brown
--------------------
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to
listen
to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating
sandwiches.
--Jim Carrey
--------------------
My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and
threw
her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, "Mom, they
weren't
trying to teach you how to swim."
--Paula Poundstone
--------------------
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use
language
that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I
think
there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of
vacuum cleaners.
--Jeff Stilson
--------------------
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's
how
dogs spend their lives.
--Sue Murphy
--------------------
I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something
else.
--Lily Tomlin
--------------------
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent
image
there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe
laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body
before
you do the wash.
--Jerry Seinfeld
--------------------
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fishburger
and I realize, Oh my [Gosh]....I could be eating a slow learner.
--Lynda Montgomery
--------------------
What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?
--Marilyn Pittman
--------------------
Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God
talks
to us we're schizophrenic?
--Lily Tomlin
--------------------
When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal
family knew someone in the Royal family?
--Robin Williams
--------------------
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept
God's final word on where your lips end.
--Jerry Seinfeld |
