RELATIONSHIP AGREEMENT
The party of the first part (herein referred to as "she"), being of
sound
mind and pretty good body, agrees to the following with the party of the
second part (herein referred to as "him"):
1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship
(colloquially
referred to as the "first date"), each party agrees to fully disclose
any
current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs,
phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or
currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet
terminated. Further, each party agrees to make known any deep-seated
complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, and/or
organized
sports. Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate
termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.
2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the person who
arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as the "matchmaker")
blameless in the event that the "fix-up" turns out to be a "real loser"
or "psycho bitch". (For definition of "real loser", see "John DeLorean:
My Story", available at most bookstores, or any picture of Bob Guccione
in "Penthouse". For definition of "psycho bitch", see Sharon Stone in
"Basic Instinct" or Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction".)
3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship proceed past the
first date, both parties mutually agree to use the following terminology
in describing their said "dating":
For the first thirty (30) days, both parties consent to say they are
"going out". (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of
exclusivity.) Following the first thirty (30) days, both parties may say
they are "seeing somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as
"an
item". Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the first date,
either member may elect to use the terms "girl/boyfriend" or "lover" and
their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as "a couple". Under no
circumstances are the phrases "my better half", "the little woman", "the
old ball and chain", or "my old man/lady" acceptable.
Furthermore, if both members consent, this timetable may be sped up;
however, if either party "gets too serious" and disregards this
schedule,
the other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of "moving
too fast" and may once again be said to be "on the market".
4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days, both parties
agree not to ask questions about the other's whereabouts on weekends,
weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or
expectations will be made; both parties agree they have no "rights" or
"holds" on the other's time.
Following the first six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party
continues to be "missing in action" without explanation, the "wounded
party" agrees to "give up".
5. DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days, both members of the
couple agree to be overly considerate of the other's work pressures,
schedules, and business ambitions. All dates will be made at least
twenty-four (24) hours in advance; there will be no "running off in the
middle of the night to console an old girl/boyfriend", and both parties
agree to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from their
vocabularies.
Further, during the first six (6) weeks each member of said relationship
agrees to attempt one spontaneous home-cooked meal or to arrange the
delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers. Following the
first forty-five (45) days, both parties will return to their normal
personalities.
6. TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that -- respective gross income aside
-- "he" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and
breakfasts until: "He" considers her suitably impressed, "he" is broke,
or "he" says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!"
Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom, which
are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at the
time.
7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS: (occasionally known as the "Why do I bother to
keep my own apartment?" codicil): Should said relationship progress to
the point where the couple spends more than four nights a week together,
every effort shall be made to split the time between their respective
apartments. Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to
silence
the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates. He agrees to "pick up after
himself" while in residence at her apartment, including washing his
whiskers out of the sink, and assisting with household duties. By the
same
token, she agrees to respect his right to keep his apartment "a mess".
8. THE 90-DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the first three months, each member of
the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use of
phrases like "Let's move in together", "Why don't we start a family?"
and
using archaic terminology like "Let's get married".
9. THE "L" WORD: For the first sixty (60) days, both parties agree not
to
use the phrase "I love you". They may love plants, dogs, cats, cars,
concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but not each
other.
Failure by one party to abide by this rule will result in the other
party
using the "G" word... "Gone".
10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the following will be grounds for
immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship:
Infidelity: Running off at any time to console an ex-girl/boyfriend,
Ending an argument with the sentence "My ex used to do the same thing";
Suggesting that no matter how kindly that the other member should seek
"help"; Ending any argument with the phrase "My analyst thinks you
are..."
11. DECLARATION OF STRENGTH: At the time of breakup, each party reserves
the right to make the other feel guilty by using one or all of the
following phrases: "You'll never find anybody better"; "Nobody could
ever
make you happy"; "I'll find somebody who can really appreciate me"; "My
analyst think you are..." (appropriate psychosis/neurosis goes here)
12. MISCELLANEOUS: Both parties agree to remain exclusive until such
time
as the relationship appear to be "on the rocks".
Each party agrees to give the other at least five minutes notice before
terminating said relationship.
At the termination of said affair, both parties agree to be mature and
return compiled socks, sweatshirts, books, record albums, door keys, and
personal undergarments with all due haste through impartial
intermediaries.
Each party agrees to wait at least seventy-two (72) hours before
engaging
in sex with any of the other's friends.
Both parties agree to refrain from slandering the other for a period of
at least seven days (bedroom performace included), and further consent
to
use one of the following nebulous terms in the description of the
breakup:
"The timing wasn't right."
"He/she wanted more than I could give."
"He/she was too involved in his/her career."
"He/she decided to go back to his/her lover/hometown/therapist."
13. ADDENDUM: After the initial breakup -- no matter what -- both
parties
agree to give the relationship "one more shot". |
