CONGRESS PASSES AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT
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WASHINGTON, DC--On Tuesday, Congress approved the Americans With No
Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and
protection for more than 135 million talentless Americans.
The act, signed into law by President Clinton shortly after its
passage, is being hailed as a major victory for the millions upon
millions of US citizens who lack any real skills or uses.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans--through no fault of their own--do
not possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role for
themselves in society," said Clinton, a longtime ANA
supporter. Their lives are futile hamster-wheel existences of
unrewarding, dead-end busywork: Xeroxing documents written by others,
fulfilling mail-in rebates for Black & Decker toaster ovens, and
processing bureaucratic forms that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for these
millions of non-abled Americans, the American dream of working hard and
moving up through the ranks is simply not a reality."
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million
important-sounding "middle man" positions will be created in the
white-collar sector for nonabled persons, providing them with an illusory
sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory, non-performance-based raises and
promotions will also be offered to create a sense of upward mobility for
even the most unremarkable, utterly replaceable employees.
The legislation also provides corporations with incentives to hire
non-abled workers, including tax breaks for those who hire one
non-germane worker for every two talented new hires.
Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act also contains tough new
measures to prevent discrimination against the non-abled by banning
prospective employers from asking such job-interview questions as, "What
can you bring to this organization?" and "Do you have any special skills
that would make you an asset to this company?"
"As a non-abled person, I frequently find myself unable to keep up
with co-workers who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz,
who lost her position as an unessential filing clerk at a Minneapolis
tile wholesaler last month because of her lack of notable skills. "This
new law should really help people like me."
With the passage of the Americans With No Abilities Act, Gertz and
millions of other untalented, nonessential citizens can finally see a
light at the end of the tunnel.
Said Clinton: "It is our duty, both as lawmakers and as human beings,
to provide each and every American citizen, regardless ofhis or her of
value to society, some sort of space to take up in this great nation.
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