Definitions from the Cynic's Dictionary
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ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION: Procreation without recreation.
BOOKCASE: A piece of furniture used in America to house bowling
trophies and Elvis collectibles.
BULIMIA: Retched excess.
CHIC: Considered smart without the deadening implication of
intelligence.
CLIQUE: A group of insiders who greet outsiders with their backsides;
a closed circle of asses.
CONSULTANT: A jobless person who shows executives how to work.
DENTURES: Two rows of artificial ivories that may be removed
periodically to frighten one's grandchildren or provide accompaniment
to Spanish music.
DNA: A complex organic molecule characterized as the building block
of life and appropriately shaped like a spiral staircase to nowhere.
ERUDITE: Exhibiting a degree of book learning fatal to success in
any business or romantic enterprise.
FIBER: Edible wood pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so
that we might enjoy another six or eight years in which to consume
wood pulp.
FUNERAL HOME: A stately manse occupied by transients who continually
receive visitors but lack the energy and inclination to entertain
them.
GENETIC ENGINEERING: Tampering with chromosomes so that science might
develop a new miracle cure or a rabbit that plays the banjo.
HIP: Smartly attuned to the latest cutting edge clichés.
JOB: A state of employment everyone wants but few look forward to on
a Monday morning.
LAWYER: A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a
paying client; for this reason considered the most suitable
background for entry into politics.
LECHER: A stud with liver spots.
LOOTING: A public shopping spree generously sponsored by local
merchants in the wake of a riot.
LOTTERY: The equivalent of betting that the next pope will be from
Duluth, or that the parrot in the pet store window speaks Flemish.
MATH ANXIETY: An intense lifelong fear of two trains approaching each
other at speeds of 60 and 80 mph.
MUGGER: A benevolent citizen of the streets who frequently spares
the lives of total strangers in exchange for any cash and valuables
in their possession.
NEGOTIATING: The art of persuading your opponent to take the nice
shiny copper penny and give you the wrinkled old paper money.
NEUROTIC: Sane but unhappy about it.
OBITUARY: A final summation of our lives that, for most of us,
occupies about three inches of space in what will shortly become cage
liner for your neighbor's parakeet.
POSITIVE THINKING: Self-improvement through self-deception.
QUALITY OF LIFE: What an industrialized nation is said to offer when
enough of its citizens are suffering from terminal stress.
REVOLUTIONARY: An oppressed person waiting for the opportunity to
become an oppressor.
SHALLOWNESS: The root cause of chronic good health, high school
popularity, appearance on the fiction bestseller lists, and gainful
employment on local TV news broadcasts.
STAR: A performer who makes more than his or her agent. Also
SUPERSTAR: A performer who makes more than Guatemala.
STATE-OF-THE-ART: Soon-to-be-obsolete.
TABOO: Any strict cultural prohibition that, when breached, causes
everyone in the group to gasp; e.g., cannibalism, public nudity,
serving fried pork rinds at a Hasidic wedding, or answering the
question "How are you?" in the negative.
UNEMPLOYMENT: The usual alternative to overwork.
URINAL: The one place where all men are peers.
VIRGIN: A young innocent who in former times was sacrificed to the
gods but who now merely lives in disgrace.
WAKE: 1. A convivial soiree with a preserved corpse in the room.
2. What the mourners would be visibly startled to see the corpse do,
especially those expecting a sizable inheritance.
X-CHROMOSOME: A genetic double-cross that empowers women with the
ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be
color-blind hemophiliacs.
ZOMBIE: A mirthless creature beloved by teenage horror movie fans and
those in charge of the hiring at accounting firms.
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