Dear Col. Holmes,
I am sorry to be so long in writing. I know I promised to let you hear from
me at least once a month, and from now on you will,but I have had to have
some time to think about this first letter. Almost daily since my return to
England I have thought aboutwriting, about what I want to and ought to say.
First, I want to thank you, not just for saving me from the draft, but for being so kind and decent to me last summer, when I
wasas low as I have ever been. One thing which made the bond we struck in good faith somewhat palatable to me was my
highregard for you personally. In retrospect, it seems that the admiration might not have been mutual had you known a little
moreabout me, about my political beliefs and activities. At least you might have thought me more fit for the draft than for
ROTC.
Let me try to explain. As you know, I worked for two years in a very minor position on the Senate Foreign Relations
Committee.I did it for the experience and the salary but also for the lopportunity, however small, of working every day against
a war Iopposed and despised with a depth of feeling I had reserved soley for racism in America before Vietnam. I did not take
thematter lightly but studied it carefully, and there was a time when not many people had more information about Vietnam at
handthan I did.
I have written and spoken and marched against the war. One of the national organizers of the VIetnam Moratorium is a
closefriend of mine. After I left Arkansas last summer, I went to Washington to work in the national headquarters of the
Moratorium,then to England to organize the Americans for the demonstrations Oct. 15 and Nov. 16.
Interlocked with the war is the draft issue, which I did not begin to consider separately until early 1968. For a law seminar
atGeorgetown I wrote a paper on the legal arguments
The decision not to be a resister and the related subsequent decisions were the most difficult of my life. I decided to accept
thedraft in spite of my belefs for one reason: to maintain my political viability within the system. For years I have worked to
preparemyself for a political life characterized by both practical political ability and concern for rapid social progress. It is a life
I still feelcompelled to try to lead. I do not think our system of government is by definition corrupt, however dangerous and
inadequate ithas been in recent years. (The society may be corrupt but that is not the same thing, and if that is true we are all
finishedanyway.)
When the draft came, despite political convictions, I was having a hard time facing the prospect of fighting a war I had
beenfighting against, and that is why I contacted you. ROTC was the one way left in which I could possibly, but not positively,
avoidboth Vietnam and resistance. Going on with my education, even coming back to England, played no part in my decision
to joinROTC. I am back here, and would have been at Arkansas Law School because there is nothing else I can do. In fact, I
wouldlike to have been able to take a year out perhaps to teach in a small college or work on some community action project
and in theprocess to decide whether to attend law school or graduate school and how to begin putting what I have learned to
use.
But the particulars of my personal life are not nearly as important to me as the principles involved. After I signed the ROTC
letterof intent I began to wonder whether the compromise I had made with myself was not more objectionable than the draft
wouldhave been, because I had no interest in the ROTC program itself and all I seemed to have done was to protect myself
fromphysical harm. Also, I began to think I had deceived you, not by lies because there were none but by failing to tell you all
thethings I'm writing now. I doubt that I had the mental coherence to articulate them then.
At the time, after we had made our agreement and you had sent my 1-D deferment to my draft board, the anguish and loss of
myself- regard and self-confidence really set in. I hardly slept for weeks and kept going by eating compulsively and reading
untilexhaustion brought sleep. Finally, on Sept. 12 I stayed up all night writing a letter to the chairman of my draft board, saying
basically what is in the preceding paragraph, thanking him for trying to help in a case where he really couldn't, and stating that
Icouldn't do the ROTC after all and would he please draft me a soon as possible.
I never mailed the letter, but I did carry it on me every day until I got on the plane to return to England. I didn't mail the
letterbecause I didn't see, in the end, how my going in the army and maybe going to Vietnam would achieve anything except a
feelingthat I had punished myself and gotten what I deserved. So I came back to England to try to make something of this
second yearof my Rhodes scholarship.
And that is where I am now, writing to you because you have been good to me and have a right to know what I think and feel.
Iam writing too in the hope that my telling this one story will help you to understand more clearly how so many fine people
havecome to find themselves still loving their country but loathing the military, to which you and other good men have devoted
years,lifetimes, of the best service you could give. To many of us, it is no longer clear what is service and what is disservice, or
if it isclear, the conclusion is likely to be illegal.
forgive the length of this letter. There was much to say. There is still a lot to be said, but it can wait. Please say hello to
Col.Jones for me.
Merry Christmas.
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton |
