Offtopic: Humor Courtesy of ztect
A Preview of the Windows '98 READ ME FIRST Page
Congratulations on your purchase of Windows 98 (c), the latest version of
the world's #1 computer operating system from Microsoft.
A) Before using your new software, please take the time to read these
instructions carefully. Failure to do so may further limit the terms of
the limited warranty. Windows 98 (c) represents a significant
technological improvement over Microsoft's previous operating system,
Windows 95 (c). You'll notice immediately that * "98" is a higher number
than "95," * a better than 3 percent increase. But that's not all.
Windows 98 (c) contains many features not found in Windows 95 (c), or in
any competing computer operating system, (if there are any of course).
Among the improvements: faster storing and retrieving of files (not in
all models), enhanced "Caps Lock" and back-space functionality, smoother
handling, less knocking and pinging, an easy-to-follow 720-page User's
Guide, and rugged weather-resistant shrink wrap around the box. Most
important, Windows 98 (c) offers superior compatibility with all existing
Microsoft products. We're betting that you'll never use another company's
software again.
Windows 98 (c) comes factory-loaded with the latest version of Microsoft
Explorer, the world's most popular Internet browser. And despite what you
may have heard from the U.S. Department of Justice, Windows 98 (c) offers
you the freedom to select the Internet browser of your choice, whether
it's the one produced by the world's largest and most trusted software
producer, or by a smaller company that will either go out of business or
become part of the Microsoft family.
Configuring Windows 98 (c) to use a browser OTHER than Microsoft Explorer
is easy. Simply open the "Options" folder, click on the "time bomb" icon,
and select "Load Inferior Browser." A dialog box will ask "Are you sure?"
Click "yes." This question may be asked several more times in different
ways and in 12 different languages ; just keep clicking "yes."
Eventually, the time-bomb icon will enlarge to fill the entire screen,
signifying that the browser is being loaded. You'll know the browser is
fully loaded when the fuse on the time bomb "runs out" and the screen
"explodes." If at any time after installation you become disappointed
with the slow speed and frequent data loss associated with other
browsers, simply tap the space bar on your keyboard. Microsoft Explorer
will automatically be re-installed- permanently.
Windows 98 (c) also corrects, for the first time anywhere, the "Year
2000" computer problem. As you may know, most computers store the current
year as a two-digit number and, as a result, many will mistake the year
2000 for 1900. Windows 98 (c) solves the problem by storing the year as a
four-digit number and, in theory, you won't have to upgrade this part of
the operating system until the year 10000.
However, the extra memory required to record the year in four digits has
prompted a few minor changes in the software's internal calendar.
Henceforth, Saturday and Sunday will be stored as single day, known as
"Satsun," and the month of June will be replaced by two 15-day months
called "Bill" and "Melissa." Please also take the time to complete the
online registration form. It only takes a few minutes and will help us
identify the key software problems our customers want addressed. Be
assured that none of the information you provide, whether it's your
Social Security number, bank records, fingerprints, retina scan or sexual
history, will be shared with any outside company not already designated
as a Microsoft DataShare partner.
We've done our best to make using Windows 98 (c) as trouble-free as
possible. We want to hear from you if you're having any problems at all
with you software. Simply call our toll-free Helpline and follow the
recorded instructions carefully. (The Helpline is open every day but
Satsun, and is closed for the entire month of Bill.)
If we don't hear from you, we'll assume your software is working
perfectly, and an electronic message to that effect will be forwarded to
the Justice Department. We'll also send, in your name, a letter to the
editor of your hometown newspaper, reminding him or her that American
consumers want software designed by companies that are free to innovate,
not by government bureaucrats.
Again, thanks for choosing Windows 98 (c).
******************************
Heaven or Hell
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself being sized up by
God...
Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to
send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by
putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created
that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done
before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go.
Bill replied, Well, what's the difference between the two?
God said, I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it
will help your decision.
Fine, but where should I go first?
I'll leave that up to you.
Okay then, said Bill, let's try Hell first.
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear
waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water,
laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature
perfect.
He was very pleased. This is great, he told God. If this is hell, I
really want to see heaven.
Fine, said God, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about,
playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. Hmmm. I think
I'd prefer Hell. He told God.
Fine, retorted God, as you desire.
So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how
he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a
wall screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and
tortured by demons.
How's everything going? he asked Bill.
Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment,
This is awful. This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago. I can't believe this is happening. What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water????
Oh, God said, that was Hell 95.
This is Hell 98.
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