Sam, the challenges you describe raise the point, it's almost "the" point in this day and age of measuring everything by one's own limited realm of experience. Long sentence with no definitive "point" to stand on....but I will let it stand.
The "point" we all seem to miss is that any attempt to place another's "hardships" on some sliding scale of justification, of endurance or deficit of same, of "meaning" to denote some cosmic sense of reward and punishment as to *why* we all suffer our silent little tortures (return to line 1, paragraph 2)
Blind alleys of reason, looking for a cause/effect relationship *in spite* of our efforts to be "free thinkers". I guess this is runoff from most of our thoroughly installed programs, the taking aside of children and pounding the "adult" values of contemporary existence into their heads....(deleted "F" word goes here) disaster that it is, we pass it along to our bloodline with unerring efficiency.
Of all the descriptions you casually lay out for us....the one that bothers me most is the fact that you are 74 years old! Now I have to give pause in my "relating" to you, because, after all, you are an old fart, and old farts give me pause!
I ran into this problem many times in my correspondence with other prostate cancer patients on one of the Internet mailing lists. I read story after story from 60+ year olds who had "stats" much better than mine (at age 42) and who were scared out of their minds at the prospect of the "Big C". My urologist told me I was the 2nd youngest patient he ever had, and "not to ask" about the other....in his blackest of bedside manner, a manner I have come to accept as quite a virtue, he was honest. I digress, the "point" in this particular set of two paragraphs is that I found "old people" to be exceedingly difficult to deal with, until I realized why that is.
The biggest obstacle I face in dealing with older people is this notion of "respect" of my elders. It robs relationships of lasting value because of the assumed patronage...."Yes Sir, No Sir" like most traditional "Right-Raised Southerners" punctuate any such interactions, to be continued throughout one's life, I assume until the "Yes Sir's" dealt you exceed the # offered.
All of these preliminary statements represent an accurate description of the difficulties facing me from this point on in "our" relationship here, I hope you will overlook my "handicap" in that regard!
But annnnyyywaaaayyy.....Sir, if I might continue (patronage assumed)
You said:
"At 74 I have found something that exceeds the pleasure of sex and sometimes lasts for a whole day. My greatest pleasure now is the absence of pain."
My first meaningful experience of the above came at age 19...I was in and industrial accident that left me with 2nd and 3rd degree burns from the waist up. (to the curious, you have to look closely at me now for evidence of this, other than some prematurely wrinkled skin that turns absolutely purple in the winter, and a couple of bogus looking fingers, I'm still pretty "normal" looking)
I could literally write a book about the "inner" voyages afforded me by that experience....but for the context of this writing I will return again to "the point".
During my "rehabilitation", I had to go through the arduous task of reprogramming my fingers and hands to work....and this involved a certain amount of "work" in itself. The skin on both hands was as tight as a banjo string, and as thin as tissue. During one of my "coming out" events. A fellow from my high school (not a friend, not even an acquaintance) came rushing up to me and grabbed my hand to shake it. This resulted in the immediate peeling off of several layers of newly formed skin. The look on his face.....sheer horror. I suppose my uncontrollable shriek of pain didn't help either! Anyway, this fellow didn't even know me really, and his uncomfortable, awkward attempts to "bond" with me....to welcome me back to the "real world" probably did nothing to soothe his awkward feelings!
I retreated to my "inner world" for several more weeks before venturing outside again! And "the point" (before this last digression) was going to be my sharing with you of a very real "spiritual" experience I had....it was, I believe, caused by the mere cessation of pain. I could sit looking out the large glass door in my mother's house, looking out across the yard, watching the birds, listening to the various creaking sounds of the house settling, and maintain a state of calm, of being centered, for DAYS on end.
It also gave me time to reflect on my "out of body" experience while lying in an ambulance headed to the hospital. My uncle was riding in the ambulance...he was the foreman in the pipeline construction crew I worked on. He sat with his head cradled in his hands, crying. This tough macho guy, who was known for his womanizing, drinking, and generally being an ass, quietly crying the sort of tortured, retching tears "real men" often share with their wives or mothers in moments of "weakness".
What I pondered at great length was the vivid "duality" of the moment....where did this picture come from? How was it that I was receiving infinitely detailed pictures of the inside of the ambulance from a perspective "above" (for lack of a more accurate description) the ambulance that *included* a picture of myself, shirtless, covered in dirt and sweat, draping long shreds of skin, and laying perfectly flat on my back? I have no explanation that makes sense, and that is part of "the point" again.
We dwell in such a limited framework of existence, our preconceptions seem to shape our every waking moment. We then lapse into a coma-like state for a good portion of our lives, while sleeping....we return to our bodies the next day and repeat the cycle, year after year, we reinforce this "assumed" reality, abandon it during sleep for the most part, and then dwell incessantly on the prospect of "death" of the physical body!!! It is all so strange, and marvelous, and painful, and blissful, and yes.....boring at times!
I wish you peace Sam, I revel in your moments of "painless retreat". I hope you have many of them because it is better than any drug out there, and *almost* worth the suffering experienced as foreplay!<g> |
