The Latest Method For Torturing A Cat
The pampered pet catalogue offers a kit for brushing the teeth of cats
but the kit is missing one item: A little straight jacket to keep the cat
from eating your face if you try to brush its teeth.
I'm not making this up. The catalogue that came in the mail offers a kit
that includes a cat toothbrush, cat toothpaste, cat breath spray and a
jar of something called "gauze dental pads."
I don't know what that last item is but my guess is that gauze dental
pads are what you put on your wounds after trying to brush the teeth of
a cat.
Or maybe it is for the cat's wounds. You spend a few minutes trying to
ram a toothbrush into the face of a struggling cat and it isn't going to
do the cat any good either.
It may be that after each morning's brushing both you and the cat have
to sit around dabbing at the surprising new openings all over your
bodies.
Cats are not as enthusiastic about their dental hygiene as are the people
trying to sell you the products for that purpose. And some of those
products are bizarre:
The cat toothpaste, for instance. It is flavored. Maybe that's not so odd
by itself. A cat might be a little more willing to listen to reason on
its dental hygiene if the toothpaste is mouse flavored or fish flavored or
something like that. If they can sell people bourbon-flavored
toothpaste, they should be able to sell cats bird-flavored toothpaste.
Birds are the bourbon of cats. You may stop by after work for a
bourbon and water. But a cat prefers a couple of birds after a hard day
of doing what cats do all day absolutely nothing.
Actually, I have never understood bourbon toothpaste, even for people
who love bourbon. Most people who love bourbon are not nearly so
keen on it first thing in the morning. People who use bourbon tooth
paste are the same people who have a quick pull on the bottle when
they awaken just to get their blood moving. That's pretty hardcore.
The only people in deeper trouble are those who rinse with a stiff,
high-alcohol mouthwash but don't spit. There are people who will tell
you they quit drinking years ago but who have started using mouth
wash five times a day.
The cat toothpaste isn't bourbon-flavored but it is a long way from the
flavor you would expect just the same: Malt. The toothpaste they are
selling for cats is malt-flavored.
I was unaware that cats like malt. But who am I to question? For all I
know, they may not stop by after a hard day of doing nothing for a
bourbon and water, but maybe cats do like some sort of
sparrow-and-malt blender drink a malted bird shake. (If anybody would
go for blender drinks it is those hairy sissies who call themselves
cats.)
I have no idea why cat toothpaste is malt flavored. My first guess was
that it had something to do with bad breath. But the catalogue specifies
malt "flavored." And the tooth kit includes a separate container of
breath spray for the way a cat's breath smells.
The breath spray must be for the benefit of people who let cats breathe
in their faces at close range. I don't even let people breathe in my face
at close range.
But some cat owners are into that sort of thing and I'll concede I would
use a breath spray on the cat if I were in the habit of sharing air with
a creature that has just finished drinking a sparrow-and-malt blender
drink.
Of course, cat products aren't the only silly part of a pampered pet
catalogue. They also have toothpaste for dogs. And they specify that it
is "no-rinse" toothpaste. It is no-rinse toothpaste because dogs don't
know how to spit. And they don't want to learn. Dogs specialize in
putting things into their mouths, not in expelling them.
In other words, they swallow their toothpaste. That gives you a rough
idea of what dog toothpaste is made of: It's a blender drink made of
malt and cat.
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