Barbie's Letter To Santa:
> > >>> Dear Santa,
> > >>>
> > >>> Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year,
> > >>> playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy
> bathing
> > >>> suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many
> > >>> tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S
DEFINITELY
>
> > >>> PAY BACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this
> > >>> Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust
> me,
> > >>> you won't wanna be around to smell it).
> > >>>
> > >>> So, here's my holiday wish list for 1998, Santa.
> > >>>
> > >>> 1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized
> > >>> sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller
> are
> > >>> these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels
> > >>> like to have nylon and velcro up your butt?
> > >>>
> > >>> 2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white.
> > >>> What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation
> > >>> underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
> > >>>
> > >>> 3. A REAL man... maybe GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over
> > >>> that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what's with that
> earring
> > >>> anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him
> (and
> > >>> me) anatomically correct.
> > >>>
> > >>> 4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned
> Ken-wimp
> > >>> away once he is anatomically correct.
> > >>>
> > >>> 5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to
> > >>> twist, just get it done.
> > >>>
> > >>> 6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
> > >>>
> > >>> 7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it.
> > >>> How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations
> senior
> > >>> account exec!
> > >>>
> > >>> 8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a
> > >>> miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a
> bag
> > >>> of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun,
fitted
>
> > >>> with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or
> "Stop
> > >>> Smoking Barbie," sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with
> several
> > >>> packs of gum.
> > >>>
> > >>> 9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my
> vinyl.
> >
> > >>>
> > >>> 10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve
it.
>
> > >>>
> > >>> Okay Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to
> > >>> society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you
> > >>> disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next
Christmas.
>
> > >>> It's that simple.
> > >>>
> > >>> Yours Truly,
> > >>> Barbie
> > >>>
> > >>> *********************************
> > >>> Ken's Letter To Santa:
> > >>>
> > >>> Dear Santa,
> > >>>
> > >>> I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for
> changes
> > >>> in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career
> > changes.
> > >>>
> > >>> In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were
> > >>> made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion
> choices.
> > >>> I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of the
> > >>> issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.
> > >>>
> > >>> First of all, I along with several other collegues feel Barbie DOES
> > >>> NOT deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything. I,
> > >>> along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dreamhouse,
> > >>> corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ablility to change
> our
> > >>> hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to
> mix
> > >>> and match at great length.
> > >>>
> > >>> My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my
> decision
> > >>> and reflects my lifestyle choice.
> > >>>
> > >>> I too would like a change in my career. Have you ever considered
> > >>> "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out Of Work Actor Ken"?
In
>
> > >>> addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered
> > >>> such as: "S&M Ken" , "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear
> Ken",
> > >>> "Master Ken". These would more accurately reflect my desires and
> > >>> perhaps open up new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable
arms
> > >>> so she can "push me away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the
> > >>> bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in
> > >>> other situations - we've talked about this issue before.
> > >>>
> > >>> In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions
> to
> > >>> the blond bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself
> and
> > >>> others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine, at
least
>
> > >>> that's what he said last night.
> > >>>
> > >>> Sincerely,
> > >>> Ken
> > >>> ----------
> > >>
> > >>
> >
>
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