Dr. Starr-love
Or, how I learned to stop worrying and love the impeachment
Washington (Jan. 9, 1999)--In a move unprecedented in U.S. history, Congressional Republicans agreed to drop their months-long inquiry into allegations of White House perjury, witness tampering, and obstruction of justice if President Clinton appears on the popular television talk show of Jerry Springer and answers questions from a studio audience.
"The humiliation of getting peppered with a bunch of inane questions by the pack of toothless cretins who typically come to those shows should more than suffice as just punishment for the President's misdeeds," said House Speaker Robert Livingston (R-Louisiana), who crafted the solution after Republicans discovered that ratings for their televised impeachment hearings had dipped lower than reruns of Sanford & Son.
Congressional Democrats agreed to the compromise, in which Republicans would drop their pursuit of impeachment and forsake a censure, only on condition that Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr also appear on the show with Clinton. The show is infamous for often violent confrontations among its guests. It was Democrats who insisted on placing Clinton and Starr on Springer's show rather than a more subdued daytime talkshow such as that of Oprah Winfrey.
"I mean, if we're going to drag our political discourse down to the level of daytime talkshows, let's at least do it right," Congressman Barney Frank said....
Audience: Woooh! Woooh! Woooh!
Announcer: And now, here's Jerry!
Audience: Wooooh! Woooh! Yeeaaahh!
Jerry: Good afternoon everybody. By special act of Congress, today's show is called Presidents who cheat and lie and the Prosecutors who investigate them. My first guests are President Bill Clinton and Judge Kenneth Starr.
[Bill and Ken enter from opposite sides of the stage. Immediately attack each other. Ken picks up chair and throws it at Bill. Bill ducks, evades, and tries to body slam Ken with his belly. Bodyguards climb on stage and attempt to hold the two apart. They lunge at each other one last time before they are calmed and seated.]
Jerry: [shaking his head] Now, what's going on between you two?
Bill: That Bible-waving sonufabitch pried open my private life in order to humiliate me!
Ken: Oh, well isn't that special! You pot-smoking, draft dodging sexual deviate! You subverted the U.S. constitution and violated the laws of this land! You lied under oath!
Bill: Did not!
Ken: Did, too!
Jerry: Well, it sounds like you two have some differences. Let's see what the audience thinks.
Audience member: "Man, you betrayed yo' homegirl, Hillary for that skank Monica! If I wuz married to you, I'd leave your sorry butt and take half!"
Audience: "Yeeeeaaaahhhh!" [applause].
[Jerry takes microphone over to attractive and slightly heavyset blond woman with big frizzy hair].
Woman: Hi Bill. I just wanted to say I think you're really cute and if I would really love to get to know you a little better...
Bill: Well, darling, I think we could arrange something. Just go see one of those secret service agents cordoning off the area. There's also a side entrance at the White House...
(Voice of Hillary): Bill!!!!!
Bill: Oh no!
Hillary: (walking on stage) I thought I told you no more womanizing! I can't believe you violated your sacred, unbreakable vow never to let the press know about our extramarital affairs!
Jerry: Hillary Clinton, ladies and gentleman.
Audience: Yeeeeaahh! Ooooh! Oooooh! You go girl!
Kenneth: You're both a couple of disgraceful! I'm glad I investigated you!
Hillary: Shut up, you ungrateful fool. If it wasn't for us you'd be an obscure dean of a preppy law school in Malibu.
Bill: Hey, I like Malibu. That's where all those Hollywood babes...
Hillary: You shut up, too! I can't believe you risked our place in history for a few blowvjobs with that, that, that.....[In walks Monica] Whooooore!
[Hillary attacks Monica, grabs her in a full nelson and begins choking her. Monica starts crying.]
Monica: Help, me, Bill! Like, help me! I thought you, like, really loved me!
Bill: I did not have sexual relations with that...
Audience, Jerry, Ken, Hillary, Monica: SHUT UP BILL! [Monica sits down. Sobbing]
Monica: Like, I can't believe I ruined the life of the only man I really ever loved.
Woman in audience: Hillary, girlfriend, if I ever caught my man sneakin around with some cheap slut, I'd whoop his ass and charge up all his credit cards for a month.
Audience: Yeeeeeahh!
Male audience member: Yo, Monica, iffin all you ever wanted was some lovin, I got something for you right here [unzips his pants. Audience goes into an uproar].
Jerry: Now come on everybody! That's obscene.
Linda: [walking on stage] I'll tell you what's obscene. I couldn't get more than $1 million advance for my book proposal.
[Entire audience erupts, assaulting Linda first, then Bill, Hill, Monica, Ken and Jerry. President looks at camera, puts on his most faux sincere mask]
Bill: My fellow Americans, I feel your pain.
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