BAKED BEANS
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for
baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and
somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in
love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to
himself, She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on
like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly
after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and
since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that
he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a
small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off
any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and
before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the
way home he putt-putted. He putt-putted down one hill and putt-putted
up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She
exclaimed, Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for
dinner tonight!. She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair
at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this
point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife
was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made
him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the
phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight
to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg.
He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the
air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge
came on. He raised his leg and rriiipppp!. It sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried
fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had
just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He
shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue
ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and
a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an
ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his
promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next
ten minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.
When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his
loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and
folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture
of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the
dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the
blindfold and yelled, Surprise!
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around
the table for his surprise birthday party.
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