(ADD) >>>> He'd put my Queen in jeopardy and I'd think I'll do this and this going out 5 moves. Trouble was I'd start with move 5 and lose my Queen.<<<<
Can relate. A good plan goes whacky. We must appear incredibly stupid to some.
But I had a period of lucid thinking, willful thinking, calm clear thinking, that lasted a couple of days or maybe hours when I first began one of the ADD counter-actors. I forget the name, naturally.
Somehow my physiology immediately adapted to it, and the ADD re-appeared.
But that was possibly the best time of my life. And believe me, I was brilliant. Not that it mattered; it was the pure enjoyment of sequential, willful thinking. Of access to all tools at command, by choice. I felt like a painter, able to choose. Power, power, power. What bliss. To intersperse it with moments of calm, not-thinking. By choice. My god, such a thrill. Holy cow, man.
If that is how my brain would be, and I felt it was, have always had that inkling or suspicion, ~ if that's a normal brain I want it. Still, and full. Sensing, sensible. Satisfied. Corrective, imaginative, not overwhelmed. The state alone, calm alone, was so satisfying I regard it as the highest state attainable.
Seemed to flop into it a couple times in the ancient past, under certain conditions. It was so cool it would make me laugh. A hard, personal, satisfied-gut laugh. Because that layer, calm-me-more, is under there, but I can't experience it that way. Not by any means or effort I know. And it's a very interesting, fulfilling, neat me.
I thought that without the ADD overlay and input, my creative composite would change; lessen. That's some of the folklore. For me, it was the opposite. Everything was enhanced, fell more politely and clearly into place, like perfect sequential tumblers. A flow of thought or idea from beginning, to end, and running nowhere else involuntarily.
The degree of effort and exertion was reduced so much, it was like a car leveling out or peaking a hill it had been running against all its life.
Heavy fuel, mon. Just a clear, calm, (brilliant, to me, but who cares) rested and capable feeling and feel-able head.
Not craving experience, having it. Experiencing. Sustaining feelings for more than synaptic microseconds. Calm.
heh heh heh. No one believes these things; they are too incredible and personal/subjective, I think. And hey, everybody's got problems.
But I would shake the ADD. I want what's under the rug. |
