Top Ten Predictions for 1999
10. On January 1, 1999, New Year's celebrations in Times Square are disrupted by elevators shooting through the tops of nearby hotels. Three TAVA shareholders are arrested on explosives charges but claim it was an "awareness campaign."
9. In a bid to capture a younger, hipper audience for its "NFL Today" show, CBS signs 78-year old Bob Bemer as co-host.
8. Starbucks announces its most powerful and foul-tasting brand of coffee yet, "Chock Full O'Bugs," aimed at keeping Y2K staff awake during marathon testing sessions.
7. Trying to conserve space and deliver Windows 2000 on time, Microsoft developers decide to use only two digits for the year.
6. John Glenn abandons early campaign for the 2000 Presidential elections after Hustler Magazine reveals he had several extra-terrestrial affairs during his recent mission on the space shuttle.
5. "Furby riots" pale by comparison with "Dinty Moore riots" as Y2K cultists stock up on canned goods.
4. Chile finally gives in to U.S. requests for the extradition of disgraced fugitive William Jefferson Clinton.
3. Justice Dept. persuades President Gore to enhance US global technology leadership position by bombing Redmond.
2. Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan star in "You've Got a S0C7," a romantic comedy about two atypically good-looking COBOL programmers who find love while correcting code remediated in 1998 by a "fully-automated" tool.
1. The world will NOT end on 1/1/2000. (However, on 9/9/99, a series of minor computer errors cause a cascade of more serious crashes, which in turn lead to the failure of the electrical grid, nuclear meltdowns, anarchy and global thermonuclear war. The human race becomes extinct, and the earth is ruled by insects, led by a cockroach with a voice like Woody Allen.) |
