Santa's Union Contract
Dear Ya'll:
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer
be able to serve your area on Christmas Eve. Due to recent changes in my union contract renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves
Local 209, I now serve only certain areas of northern Wisconsin and
west Michigan. I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with my
replacement, my third cousin from the South Pole, Bubba Claus. He
shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls, but
there are a few differences between us, such as:
There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
Claus, who has a gun rack in his sleigh and a bumper sticker that
reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children
leave an RC cola and pork skins on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He does dip a little snuff, though, so please have a spit can handy.
Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs
instead of reindeer. I loaned him my reindeer one time, and Rudolph's
head now rests over Bubba's fireplace.
You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..."
when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on
Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
"Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yeehaw!" And you also are
likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I heard that!"
As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does
have a decal depicting "Calvin and Hobbes" comic strip character
Calvin relieving himself ... but not on a Ford or Chevy logo. His
decal shows Calvin going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th
Street" and "Ernest Saves Christmas" will not be shown in your area.
Instead, you'll see some lesser-known movies about Bubba Claus made in the late 1970s. Many feature Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus, Jackie Gleason as a Grinch who says "You scumbum!" a lot and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd turn the
other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
Lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me, including Elvis'
"Here Comes Santa Claus" and Madonna's remake of "Santa Baby." Until this year, songs about Bubba Claus have been played only on AM radio stations in Mississippi. They include such classics as Mark
Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox," David Allan Coe's "Willie, Waylon, Bubba Claus and Me," and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Kiss My Icicle."
Sincerely Yours,
Santa
Merry Christmas from the resident "redneck"...Bubba E! |
