Unsure about Censure
bandersnatch.com
This week, alternatives to a trial in the Senate were flying around Washington like the blizzard of shredded-paper blowing from Hillary's office. With politicians desperate to avoid having to talk about their tawdry affairs with babysitters, pages, sheep dogs, and fat-cat contributors, a solution was sought to end this "Constitutional crisis." Some of the suggestions:
Zensure
Clinton, to the sound of Democrats clapping with one hand, will explain how one can gain enlightenment through the buggery of one's employees. Rather than buying into a divisive, partisan, dualistic worldview, only offering the extremist choices of resignation or a trial, Clinton, liberating his mind from this false consciousness, will present the nation with the Zen koan, "When is the President not really the President?" and thus remain in the White House through most of the early 21st century, although perhaps he won't.
Seizure
The President is to be found writhing on the floor of the Oval Office, foaming at the mouth. He will claim that, as he is now disabled, under the ADA all reasonable accommodations must be made so that he can remain in office, including, but not limited to, freedom from any stressful, legal-type situations, which would tend to bring on further attacks.
Leisure
Clinton, while handing over executive power to Al Gore, will still be allowed to fly around in Air Force One, hang out with Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger, and wear loud shirts at Asian economic conferences.
Not-So-Sure
Enough moderate House Republicans will disavow their votes for impeachment that the President declares a new national holiday, Jellyfish Day, in their honor.
Denture
A plan to steal Strom Thurmond's teeth, in order to silence him during Clinton's trial.
Erasure
Clinton, delivering to the Senate his really, really final, absolutely-the-last apology since his grand jury testimony, will "parse his words" by carefully diagramming each sentence of his apology on a blackboard, discussing in detail the grammatical relationship of the words. This will throw the entire national TV audience into a stupor. When America comes to, only Ken Starr will recall that there has been a Whitewater investigation, 19 felony convictions, a $700,000 witness payoff, and dozens of presidential lies told over many years. Starr will be condemned to wander the land, a wild-eyed hobo grabbing strangers' lapels and screaming, "He's been impeached, damn it! Don't you remember? I was once Time 'Man of the Year'!" |
