A political prediction a month for 1999:
By Jonathan P. Bernick
Frumious Bandersnatch ( bandersnatch.com )
JANUARY: Impeached President Bill Clinton's trial begins in the Senate. In opening statements, several senators denounce Clinton as a shameless lecher and moral reprobate who has irredeemably stained the office of the Presidency. Republicans are less kind. Clinton's approval rating rises to 75%.
FEBRUARY: Following the inauguration of former wrestler Jesse "The Body" Ventura as governor of Minnesota, the state legislature modifies parliamentary procedure so that smashing a legislator's face into a turnbuckle becomes an acceptable way to end a filibuster.
MARCH: In Bill Clinton's Senate trial, evidence is introduced showing that Bill Clinton lied under oath when he promised Monica Lewinsky that "a little cold water'll remove that stain, honest!" Soon afterwards, the President orders another cruise missile strike on Iraq, which is canceled when intelligence reports show that Iraq's chemical warfare capability has been reduced to one flatulent camel. Clinton's approval rating is now at 83%.
APRIL: Russia, struggling to recover from the effects of a 53 bazillion to 1 ruble-dollar exchange rate, announces that it will begin to use a new currency: the Rock. A brief burst of buying revives the Moscow stock market, but comes to abrupt halt when it is revealed that Mafia-owned businesses are found to control every rock in Russia.
MAY: In a tragic mishap, vice-president Al Gore contracts Dutch Elm Disease and has to be harvested. Gore's heartbroken family declines to have the vice-president interred at Arlington National Cemetery, opting instead that his remains be mulched.
JUNE: In Bill Clinton's Senate trial, the President's attorneys file a motion to have a mistrial declared on the grounds that one of the jurors, Senator Strom Thurmond, is legally dead. Thurmond objects, but is overruled. The motion fails; Clinton's approval rating increases to 89%.
JULY: Speculation runs rife that President Clinton is choosing Al Gore's replacement so as to make the consequences of his removal from office politically impossible. Vice-presidential nominee Jack Kervorkian denies these allegations, and offers a free appointment to any congressman who opposes the nomination.
AUGUST: Kervorkian is confirmed as vice-president by unanimous consent.
SEPTEMBER: Attorney General Janet Reno declines to appoint a special prosecutor to investigate allegations of widespread Chinese influence in the federal government, saying that no credible evidence of foreign infiltration has been found. She is completely supported in her decision by investigating U.S. Attorney Jiang Zemin.
OCTOBER: In Bill Clinton's Senate trial, DNA evidence is introduced showing that Clinton is the biological father of all three members of Hanson. Simultaneously, Clinton orders a cruise missile strike on Newark, New Jersey. White House spokesmen deny any linkage, but are observed to have their fingers crossed. Clinton's approval rating jumps to 92%.
NOVEMBER: Forced to diversify after extensive Justice Department litigation, Microsoft introduces the NerdbyTM, a cuddly stuffed doll of Bill Gates that talks in its own secret language. Expected to be the year's hot new Christmas toy, sales plummet when the translated utterances of the doll are found to include such phrases as "General protection faults build character," "Who cares if it has a few bugs? Ship it!" and "How can I have 42 billion dollars and still not be able to get a real haircut?"
DECEMBER: In a 96-4 vote, Bill Clinton is acquitted of any wrongdoing by the U.S. Senate. Shortly afterwards, Larry Flynt announces that an upcoming Hustler pictorial, "Steamy Sex Secrets of the Salacious Senators," has been canceled. White House spokesmen attempt to deny any involvement by the President's spin doctors, but are unable to so while keeping a straight face. Clinton's approval rating rockets to 98%. |
