Excellent! It does seem the logical next step. After all, when I was little, Barbie had a kitchen, cheerleading uniforms, and beauty pageant gowns, and no vagina which conveniently negated concerns about her virginity. Maybe a little heavy petting was going on with Ken in the ruffly pink boudoir of her peptobismol house, but you didn't worry about illegitimate Kenny, Jr. making an appearance.
But then Barbie was liberated- she became a doctor, a lawyer, a PhD; she drove a racecar and skydove, scuba-ed, and played sports. If poor Ken had ever had a penis, it must have shrivelled into nothingness and fallen off at the sight of this superwoman.
She did it all; she had it all. Parents began to complain that their daughters were developing unrealistic ideas of who and what they should be. Mattel decided to make Barbie slightly more human---although I don't know what they did. Did they soften the frighteningly sharp breasts that threatened to disembowel any man attempting to hug her? Take a 1/4" off those long sticklegs? Provide a little pot belly for that time of the month? DId they give her a little make-up kit that contained acne spots and bags for under her eyes? A bad hair day wig?
If not, then I say it's time to bring Barbie into the present--where women are real, where life is real, where she has to deal with Ken cheating on her, with a kid who takes drugs and mugs old ladies, a boss who hits on her at her law firm, a patient who sues her for leaving one of her itty bitty heels in his stomach after she performs his gall bladder surgery, a pink toilet that backs up and spews bad things all over her pink house, and a botched cosmetic surgery attempt.
Let's stop sending our daughters out into the world unprepared, believing that life is a pink cadillac, a man with no penis, and legs that never need shaving!
I nominate us to head up MAttel's new division-- you can design the new Ken- I'll work on Barbie and we'll just see who comes out ahead in the little pink divorce court. |
