Sucker Punching Disney
January 07, 1999
Brutus, hand me my knife sharpener!
We all love Disney. We loved it when Simba learned that because he
was a bad kitty his daddy the Lion King was smushed to death by
100,000 stampeding wildebeests. We loved it when we got jacked up on
a bad spiral lollipop from the Cinderella's Castle concession stand and
talked to God throughout the 8.5 miles of winding staircase leading to the
Space Mountain roller coaster.
We loved it when ABC clipped Kirk Cameron's curls, hollowed out Scott
Baio's chest and turned illiterate TV affrontery into "Dharma and Greg"
with a Disney spit-shine.
Vengeance is ours.
It's been a horrible year for Disney. I'm all for gentlemanly fair play. I
enjoy a nice sporting match. But it's time to kick Disney when it's down.
Why? Because when it comes back up, it will be buying the Social
Security system and using new revenues to pipe the lyrics to "Be Our
Guest" subliminally from low Earth-orbiting satellites. I'll turn into a
lobotomized Angela Lansbury in her younger years, and animatronic
bluegrass-loving bears will run the DMV.
The mouse house has a backed-up septic system this year after flushing
Mike Ovitz down the toilet to the tune of $100 million, gobbling up any
and every media outlet on the planet and trying to win even bigger than
usual at the box office. For its troubles, the stalling Asian markets have
pinched Disney's worldwide video sales, and broadcast TV's current
hellish plight has kicked Mickey right below the white buttons.
Eisner came out to face the cameras Wednesday, assuring the public
with an immaculately bonded toothy smile that 1998 was a building year.
Like little mermaid Ariel giving away her voice to the voluptuous meanie
sea witch Ursula, Disney last year was merely sacrificing to make way
for serious economic love to flood its way soon.
Economic results should be seen, not heard.
In case you're starting to soften, watching the sweat beads drip off
Eisner's finely styled hair, Disney also unveiled plans for a new theme
park in China Wednesday. How off-puttingly Disney. Donald and Daisy
in their People's Revolution Mao jackets, pinning nice red buttons on
newly initiated Chinese consumers.
It rolls the stomach as only Disney can.
Disney lost big on Oprah's "Beloved" project. "The Waterboy" was the
only 1998 film success that could come to the rescue. Outrageous
advertising costs on TV only go so far to pad the pain caused by
production companies with their hefty-price-tag sledgehammers.
Eisner is in trouble. Not the kind of trouble he was in back when Disney
was a burned-out, looted strip-mall-peddling 1950s fantasy. But a new,
difficult kind of trouble. Markets are spinning his innards like 3-year-olds
on the Tea Cup ride. Changing business environments are spitting at his
business like Frenchmen scorning EuroDisney.
Even Jeffrey Katzenberg's belly flop with "The Prince of Egypt" can't
soothe Eisner's inflamed stomach lining.
So it's time to enjoy Cinderella with her pumpkin, mice and ragged
clothing. Sure, all that steel and glass is a technicolor dream, but we like
our worldwide media outlets humble. Take a seat next to Rupert
Murdoch on the chump train. I like Disney when it doesn't have that
uber-media, Orwellian feel. It won't last long.
But I will be enjoying the ride.
From upside Magazine
Neil |
