One-liners for that special occasion
1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
3. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
4. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
5. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
6. Do I look like a fucking people person?
7. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
8. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
9. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
10. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
11. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
12. You! Off my planet!
13. Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
14. A little ignorance can go a long way.
15. So you are better at sex than anybody. Now all you need is a partner.
16. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
17. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
18. If I want to hear the pitter patter of tiny feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
19. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
20. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
21. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
22. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
23. God was my copilot, but we crashed into the mountains and I had to eat him.
24. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
25. And just how may I fuck you over today?
26. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
27. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
28. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
29. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
30. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
31. Yeah, right! Like I'm going to put that icky thing in my mouth.
32. Allow me to introduce my selves.
33. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
34. Whisper my favourite words: "I'll buy it for you."
35. Better living through denial.
36. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
37. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.
38. Adult child of alien invaders.
39. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
40. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
41. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
42. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
43. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
44. Sure it's user-friendly...if you know what you're doing.
45. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
46. Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum.
47. After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?
48. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
49. Back off! You're standing in my aura.
50. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
51. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
52. Can you out-think a doorknob?
53. One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.
54. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
55. I have a computer, a vibrator, and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
56. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
57. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.
58. Vertically-fornicated mind.
59. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
60. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
61. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!
62. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
63. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
64. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
65. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
66. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.
67. A woman's favourite position is CEO.
68. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
69. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
70. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
71. Earth is full. Go home.
72. Is it time for your medication or mine?
73. Does this condom make me look fat?
74. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
75. I plead contemporary insanity.
76. And which dwarf are you?
77. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
78. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
79. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
80. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.
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A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street
with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop
pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously
drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm
drunk?"
Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I
thought I was a cripple."
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There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a
bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION
ALL" and farts loudly.
The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at
the drunk and says" Excuse me, you just farted before my
wife."
The drunks replies," I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn." |
