Remarkable post, Paul. I am here for you in any way that I can be. I really do care.
Don't kid yourself, alcohol is a depressant, also, drinking alcohol when you have depression is another deal with the devil.
I have a theory that distilled alcohol was invented by people of Northern Europe as a way to get through the winter without killing themselves and each other. Maybe I am wrong, but I think that people of Northern European extraction suffer from depression more than others, and abuse alcohol more than others, as well. Alcohol is the perfect drug for self-medicators, it fills the hole in the soul, but it also makes the hole just a little bit bigger, every time. Some people can self-medicate with alcohol all their lives, and some can't. Of the ones who can't, some stop, and some don't. The ones who can't, and don't, crash and burn. The rest of us, well, we play these mind games, maybe, fooling ourselves, maybe, and sometimes we find out that we didn't really fool anyone.
I sympathize, because I don't want to stop, either, but my liver can't take it anymore, not booze and all the pills I have to take. And I really, really don't want to give up the prednisone.
I wish you would read a book I like, "In Love with Daylight; a Memory of Recovery," by Wilfred Sheed, published 1995, now out of print. Sheed suffered from polio as a child, and then he became an alcoholic, and addicted to sleeping pills, and finally, he got cancer, and the book is about fighting all three, and the lessons he learned. One thing he promises, is that once you (and I) finally stop drinking, there will be a day, it won't be soon, but within a year or a year and a half, when the sun will come back out, and we will realize what we were missing all those years.
In the meantime, since you are in a dark mood, here is a web site you might like, it is actually amusing, I thought.
web.tusco.net
|
