"What was wrong with man I picked"
I was going to say that I'm not shy, but, of course I am. On the other hand, this is cyberspace, right? I didn't really pick him. Both men knew I was seeing other people (as were they), so there is no excuse for what happened. And this is the right thread to share this.
Duncan and I were together one night and I was growing close to the sense that although Bill was a very special and exciting person, Duncan was the more loving and the wiser choice. It was that on-the-cusp time: Both men were attractive people, not merely in looks but in personalities; both were extraordinarily intelligent and cerebral; both shared many interests besides work and were companionable; both were terrifically sexy and a joy in the sack. Bill suggested more a sense of delicious danger (Watch out for this, all women--Heathcliff belongs in Wuthering Heights and not over the breakfast table.) Remember the song, "Did You Ever Have to Make Up Your Mind?" I was there and I had nearly made my mind up.
So, it's about 3 a.m. and we are asleep, having a full day of work ahead of us. From the foot of the bed issues a voice, "Good morning." It's Bill. (Don't start with the keys; they both had keys, as I did to their homes. I'd have died before using mine when not invited unless I thought the person was injured! Or dead!)
I dealt with it. But Duncan did a fade, thinking, I suppose, that because I hadn't murdered Bill on the spot, I had made a choice. No matter how I tried to reach out and demonstrate how I felt, he was probably too wounded to hear. He'd been through a horrible divorce, the kind in which every happy moment turns to sawdust, so I think he simply couldn't risk it.
So I stayed with Bill. And don't get me wrong: It was a wonderful affair and I do not wish that I had not had it. There were so many times of pure joy and so much that we discovered together. And we had so much fun. Just for an example, we went to New Zealand. He was a marvel in terms of researching how to structure the trip so that we could really get to see and know the country. He dealt with the planning, the reservations, everything. It was 21 days of discovery and a trip I'll remember all my life. I should never have been so wonderfully organized! And we loved, never think that we didn't. (Bill, if you lurking on SI, please take note.)
It was the wrong choice because there was a great deal of love but something awry from the moment he walked into my apartment that night. I could not have done that to him, yet he felt free to do it to me. He "took over" in ways that I could not endure. He was critical in ways that were inappropriate. He is into control; I am the last person to enjoy being controlled. (Hey, been there, done that in my marriage and spent too much time in therapy dealing with the backwash.)
I should have said, "Look, fool, I loved you, but you do not do this to me. You are seeing other people; do I march in and create a scene? Hell, no. If you do not respect my space, you are gone." Instead, I stayed with him for eight years and he did not respect my space at all during those years.
How many times have I been around the sun? I am 47 and enjoying every second. I remind myself of what my mother said about birthdays: 70 was a real facer. Up until then, I simply rejoice that "they" haven't found out yet.... |
