25 things I've learned in 50 years by Dave Barry
1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of
helicopters in it.
2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason we observe Daylight Saving Time.
3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent
sense of humour are telling you that they have no sense of humour.
4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is
entertainment.
5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby
emerging from her at that moment.
6. A penny saved is worthless.
7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never
be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth
is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the
planet except a few micro-organisms, the micro-organisms living in the
Middle East will be bitter enemies.
8. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
9. The one thing that unites all humans, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down
inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.
11. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost
never want you to share yours with them.
13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that
generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a
new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through
millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT
ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives
turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the
computer spits out,"SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN
AN APARTMENT." Then the next time, it spits out, "FOUR QUIRKY BUT
ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." And so on. We need
to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.
14. Nobody is normal.
15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very
excited and announce that: The universe is even bigger than they
thought! There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.
16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason the human race has
not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word
would be: "meetings."
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to
people who are not in them.
18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite
of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example:
- If the advertisement says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile,"
the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all
other Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to old farts like your father.
-If Coke and Pepsi spend billions to convince you that there are
significant differences between these two products, both companies
realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical.
- If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes enable
athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to disregard the
fact that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic ability.
-If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the
critical importance of a beer's "born-on" date, Budweiser knows this
factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer tastes.
- If an advertisement shows a group of cool, attractive youngsters
getting excited and high-fiving each other because the refrigerator
contains Sunny Delight, the advertiser knows that any real youngster who reacted in this way to this beverage would be considered by his peers to be the world's biggest dipshit. And so on.
- On those rare occasions when advertising dares to poke fun at the
product - as in the classic Volkswagen Beetle campaign - it's because
the advertiser actually thinks the product is pretty good. If someone
ever ran for president under a slogan such as "Harlan Frubert:
Basically, He Wants Attention," I would quit my job to work for his campaign.
19. When God decides to deliver a message to humanity, he will not
use, as his messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
20. You should not confuse your career with your life.
21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person.
22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.
23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command.
Very often, that individual is crazy.
24. Your friends love you anyway.
25. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. |
