Alexa--
I in fact suspected from your post that you'd married very young; you're right, my experience has been quite different. However, I think it's sad that you've cut yourself off from what could be rewarding friendships with half the human race simply because you're afraid you might be attracted to the guy in question (as both Jeff and I noted, no problem, it's normal) and might act on it, which might jeopardize your marriage, which is a relationship you value.
It just doesn't need to be like that.
My experience is also different because I live in Italy. Here the notion that a couple must share pretty much all of its social life is not emphasized. Many of my friends are also colleagues, both male and female. Occasionally when I entertain, non-art historical spouses decline, as they know the rest of us will end up talking shop and gossiping about people they've never met. No offense meant, none taken. Spouses rarely accompany their mates to congresses, and frequently don't show up for gallery openings and the like. No big deal. Similarly, if one wants, say, to go to a film and the other doesn't, he or she will go anyway, with a friend of either sex or with a group of friends. If a spouse is away, the partner left at home frequently sees this as an opportunity to get together for a one-on-one with an old friend.
It's just no big deal.
I remember joking when the Gary Hart/Donna Hall thing blew up (you remember, she spent the night at his house; he said it was a platonic relationship, and nobody--rightly--believed him) that I had the opposite problem: many married or otherwise involved men had stayed overnight at my house and no one thought--again rightly--that I was sleeping with any of them.
And one more thing: you should be aware that extramarital affairs (as opposed to friendships) require planning, forethought, and logistical expertise. They can be a great deal of trouble, and are rarely initiated as spontaneously as you seem to think they are: you have plenty of time to decide whether it's really what you want to do.
Janice |
