I don't want to die now, at age 46, but I am more conscious of death these days. I am afraid it will hurt. That's the worst part, fear of pain. I have a fantasy that it will feel like being squeezed out of the vagina. I don't recall being born, but I gave birth both times naturally, and it really hurt, especially Nicholas, 8 lbs, 14 oz, and he was induced, two weeks early, due to his large size - - it took less than two hours start to finish. His forehead was all bruised, dark blue, and I was lacerated.
I am afraid of a painful death, like cancer, or fire, or a car wreck. But I am not afraid of being dead.
I believe in reincarnation. I had a dream when I was about eighteen, that I left my body and floated up like a bubble in a pool, full of golden light and a multitude of bubbles, and when I got to the surface something immensely large and vastly kind informed me that my time had not come and sent me back. This was long before I read anything about such experiences, I think, but maybe not. I remember feeling very calm, and feeling the Buddhist view that "there are no mistakes." I think that if after you die it would be like that, death would be good. But, I believe that I have been reborn over and over and over again, and will continue to be, and I am very tired of it. I want off. But, there is no place to go. |
