BS Newswire, Feb 7, 1999;
- WRLB & Associates -- In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, the WRLB & Associates Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum. "It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said WRLB & Associates President Weaner Rumberger, "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone".
WRLB & Associates representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be "minimal". The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of WRLB & Associates. An initial public offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to WRLB & Associates.
In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with WRLB & Associates,and will continue to manage the United States government, reporting directly to President Weaner Rumberger. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive authority to President Rumberger, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief". He went on to say that President Rumberger has a "proven track record", and that U.S. citizens should offer President Rumberger their "full support and confidence". Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at WRLB & Associates.
President Rumberger dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Hawaii as "silly", though did say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S. government from his existing office at WRLB & Associates headquarters. President Rumberger went on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be abolished. "WRLB & Associates isn't a democracy", he observed, "and look how well we're doing".
When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, President Rumberger said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking place". WRLB & Associates representatives closed the conference by stating that United States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in government services and discounts on all WRLB & Associates products.
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