Subject: Humor Break - nominee2.txt
THE DARWIN AWARDS are given every year to bestow upon (the remains of)
those individuals, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, have
done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene
pool.
1997 DARWIN NOMINEES:
(#1) Los Angeles, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to
remove a bees nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a
"pineapple." A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the
explosive equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the
fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window
some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion
shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding
Mr. Saduki needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a
nearby hospital. While walking towards their car, Ian was stung
three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother,
Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation enroute to the
hospital.
(#2) A driver, who crashed into the side of a 3000 ton wheat train
and was dragged in his car more than a kilometer before being slammed
into a pylon at the edge of a cliff, fell to his death as he walked
for help. The Queensland, Australia man, 63, and his female
companion, 64, were driving along the Newell Highway near Moree, in
Northwestern New South Wales, on Wednesday night, police said. Their
car crashed into the side of a fully laden, 600 meter long train at a
level crossing. (I guess that would be harder to miss than the side
of a barn!) The vehicle became wedged between the second last and
last carriages and was dragged sideways beside the track as the train
continued towards Moree, a police spokeswoman said.
After being carried more than a kilometer and a half they approached
an unfenced bridge with a 10 meter drop, the spokeswoman said.
Moments before they reached the precipice, the car was struck by a
pylon, dislodged from the train and spun several times. When it came
to rest, the pair managed to free themselves from the wreck (I wonder
if it was a Volvo?) with minor bruising and the man set off along the
railway line for help. But he slipped on the bridge and fell to his
death, the spokeswoman said. The woman was eventually able to raise
the alarm and was recovering in Moree hospital with chest injuries.
(#3) Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis
with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth
E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian
roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more raditional revolver) to Ken's head and fired.
(#4) Phillipsburg, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male choked to
death on a sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic
dancer at a local establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat
it," the dancer identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was
really drunk."
(#5) In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel
Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus
earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their
snowmobiles.
1997 DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS (I.E. Non-fatalities)
(#6) Gulf Breeze, Florida, three unidentified teenage males were
using a home video camera to film an action/adventure "movie" one of
the boys had written. In a scene that called for one character to be
ignited by fire, the "special effects coordinator," age 15, prepared
the "stunt" youth by dousing lighter fluid onto his clothes. The
intentional fire, which proved unexpectedly difficult to extinguish,
left the young man with third degree burns on his left arm, torso,
and both legs. It was all captured on film.
(#7) In Bradford, PA, J. Cruwe, 28, caught a small snake in his
yard. As a joke he placed the snake in a container which he handed to
his wife. She opened the container and, startled to see the snake,
dropped it. The excited and, as it turns out, poisonous, snake
immediately bit Mr. Cruwe on the shin. Mr Cruwe survived the wound
and recovered after a short visit to the local emergency room.
(#8) In rural Carbon County, PA, a group of men were drinking beer
and discharging firearms from the rear deck of a home owned by Irving
Michaels, age 27. The men were firing at a raccoon that was wandering
by, but the beer apparently impaired their aim and, despite of the
estimated 35 shots the group fired, the animal escaped into a 3 foot
diameter drainage pipe some 100 feet away from Mr. Michaels' deck.
Determined to terminate the animal, Mr. Michaels retrieved a can of
gasoline and poured some down the pipe, intending to smoke the animal
out. After several unsuccessful attempts to ignite the fuel, Michaels
emptied the entire 5 gallon fuel can down the pipe and tried to
ignite it again, to no avail. Not one to admit defeat by wildlife,
the determined Mr. Michaels proceeded to slide feet-first
approximately 15 feet down the sloping pipe to toss the match. The
subsequent rapidly expanding fireball propelled Mr. Michaels back the
way he had come, though at a much higher rate of speed. He exited the
angled pipe "like a Polaris missile leaves a submarine," according to
witness Joseph McFadden, 31. Mr. Michaels was launched directly over
his own home, right over the heads of his astonished friends, onto
his front lawn. In all, he traveled over 200 feet through the air.
"There was a Doppler Effect to his scream as he flew over us,"
McFadden reported, "Followed by a loud thud." Amazingly, he suffered
only minor injuries. "It was actually pretty cool," Michaels said,
"Like when they shoot someone out of a cannon at the circus. I'd do
it again if I was sure I wouldn't get hurt."
---------===========================================---------
__ __ ___ __
/ // /_ ____ _ ___ ____ / _ )_______ ___ _/ /__
/ _ / // / ' \/ _ \/ __/ / _ / __/ -_) _ '/ '_/
/_//_/\_,_/_/_/_/\___/_/ /____/_/ \__/\_,_/_/\_\ |
