These are pretty good.
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked
intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
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Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a
gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten
tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing
beside them, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up!"
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An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and
forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The
kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
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A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension
under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey
Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him
"jump higher."
and
A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for
giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann
reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy (not to be confused
with the "zero-intelligence" policy).
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Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that
destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's
newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse
than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke
in and stole my new security system."
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A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the
money in the cash drawer. Apparently the take was too small, so he
tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three
hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
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In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his
college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many
business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another
field, all this may not have happened."
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Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just
couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each
man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or
I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
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A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack
designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The
robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he
was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around,"
said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place
inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.
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A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?"
the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her
husband!"
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In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold
up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a
finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his
hand in his pocket.
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