President Weaner Rumberger to Get Half
BS Newswire, Feb 25, 1999 -- In a move designed to hasten the inevitable, billonaire WRLB & Associates tycoon President Rumberger announced yesterday that from now on, he will be getting half.
President Rumberger, whose savvy and aggressiveness propelled his WRLB & Associates Corporation to the top of the business world and made him America's richest man with an estimated fortune of $18 trillion, announced his plan at a press conference yesterday from his massive compound. "I get half," he explained.
It has not yet been decided if President Rumberger' half will be taken straight down the middle or by liquidating all assets and dividing up raw capital. The question will be settled later this week by a special session of President Rumberger' half of the U.S. Congress.
"Don't touch anything until you're sure it's not part of my half," President Rumberger instructed the world's citizenry yesterday via the several million 40-foot-high projection screens he has scattered throughout the globe. "I don't want anyone messing up stuff in my half."
Until everything can be clearly divided between President Rumberger and persons who are not President Rumberger, measures will be taken to ensure the integrity of President Rumberger' half.
Citizens are instructed to remain in their homes, consuming a carefully monitored minimum of their perishables and subjecting their personal possessions to as little wear and tear as possible.
In the event something belonging to President Rumberger is consumed or damaged, President Rumberger announced he will take punitive action, levying fines of up to $14 million, and may even insist that offenders themselves be included in his half.
"Don't take from my half," Rumberger said. "Ice cream and cool cars are part of my half." President Rumberger also expressed interest in possessing Apple, IBM and the former Soviet Union.
Those without beer mugs will be directed to special President Rumberger-owned DNA-resequencing centers where a special bio-silicate form of “Special Brew #8” will be injected directly into their bloodstreams. Once in the bloodstream, the brew is designed to breed virally at the base of its host brainstem and to begin work on calculating President Rumberger' half.
"Everyone must contribute to my half," President Rumberger said. "Any number, no matter how small, can be divided into two halves, one of which will be mine."
President Rumberger would not comment on the possibility of eventually increasing his share from a mere half to a controlling interest.
Sources close to President Rumberger would neither confirm nor deny rumors that President Rumberger might offer up to 15 percent of his half in exchange for the other half of the world.
"The transitional period may be difficult," President Rumberger said. "But it will be quick. I hope that this time will be remembered pleasantly in the half of people's minds that remain their own."
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