This is not a test: Go to your budget-surplus shelters
By Dave Barry
Published Feb. 21, 1999
There is Big Trouble brewing in
Washington, D.C. And I am not talking
that mess involving Monica Lewinsky
and President You Know Who. NOBODY cares
about that any more. The public is SICK of it. The
Republicans could produce a videotape of the
president and Monica pistol-whipping a 7-Eleven
clerk and then performing an illegal act with a Slim
Jim, and the public would say, "So what! Let's focus
on the issues!"
No, the trouble I'm talking about is the federal budget
surplus. It is raging out of control.
What, exactly, is this surplus, and why is it such a
threat? To answer those questions, perhaps it will
help if we take a moment to briefly review the history
of our federal budget. Or perhaps it will not. But just
try to stop us.
For many thousands of years, there was no federal
budget. America was run by native Americans, who
had a tribal form of government and used a simple
tax form made of bark. The first Europeans to arrive
were the Vikings, who landed here around 700 A.D.
but were eliminated in the playoffs. They were
followed by Christopher Columbus, who actually
thought he had discovered India. (He thought this
because the native Americans, who were big
pranksters, had erected a huge sign that said
"WELCOME TO INDIA!") This was followed by what
historians call The Bunch of Boring Wars, which
ended up with England in charge of the colonies. But
then the king of England, King Really Stupid,
enacted a tea tax, which was extremely unpopular
with the colonists, who were very fond of their "tea,"
which was colonial slang for marijuana. And thus the
United States was formed.
In those days, the federal government's only function
was to deliver the mail, which consisted of a few
dozen handwritten parchment letters from Ed
McMahon. The government didn't need much
money; in fact, the original Internal Revenue Service
consisted of just two employees and one horse,
which would conduct audits by standing on selected
taxpayers' heads.
Over the years, the federal government got bored
with delivering mail, so it came up with many
important new programs, such as the Department of
Commerce, which carries out the vital work of doing
whatever it is that the Department of Commerce
does. As the government's money requirements
grew, so did the IRS, which today employs more
than 165,000 personnel and nearly 11,000 horses.
Today the federal budget stands -- or, technically,
squats -- at well over $1 trillion. It is very difficult for
average moron taxpayers like ourselves to grasp a
number that large, so to make the budget surplus
problem more understandable, let's compare the
federal government to a lemonade stand operated
by two youngsters named "Billy" and "Suzy" (not
their real names).
Billy and Suzy have mixed up a batch of "lemonade,"
or government programs. Whenever a "customer,"
or taxpayer, comes along, he or she decides to pay
Billy and Suzy a percentage of his or her income,
because otherwise they will put him or her into
federal prison. In return for this money, Billy and Suzy
do not give any lemonade to the customer. They
give it to various organizations and individuals
deemed worthy of lemonade, such as the
Department of Commerce, retired people, defense
contractors, and researchers studying the dangers
of inadequately heated soup.
For years, Billy and Suzy gave away so much
lemonade that, no matter how much money they got
from their customers, they still had to borrow more.
But now, suddenly, they are WAY ahead. They are
taking in billions more dollars from their customers
than they are spending on lemonade. Even if they
start paying back the borrowed money, they have
billions and billions left over, piling up all over Billy's
and Suzy's lawn to the point where their dog, "Spot,"
sometimes has no choice but to relieve himself on it.
This is the problem that our government leaders are
wracking their brains over now. Impossible as it may
sound, the government is unable to spend money as
fast as it is collecting it. This is a very serious
problem. Why? Because, according to economists,
unless something is done -- and soon -- to relieve
the massive buildup of excess tax receipts, the
Treasury Building could explode and release its
contents into the atmosphere, forming an immense
cloud of money that could be blown by prevailing
winds over a populated area. If the wind were to
shift, the money could fall back to Earth, where some
of it could, conceivably, wind up -- this is referred to
in top-secret government documents as "The
Doomsday Scenario" -- back in the hands of
taxpayers.
A chilling Stephen King nightmare scenario, you
say? Unfortunately, it could happen, unless our
leaders are able to figure out what to do about the
surplus. Until they do, we, as taxpayers, should
minimize the risk of coming into direct contact with
our money by remaining indoors as much possible,
living on canned goods, which we should, according
to recent studies, heat properly. |
