Sir or Madam:
I was disappointed, but not surprised, to hear several disparaging remarks on ABC News radio this afternoon from a Greenpeace spokesman regarding Ford's latest addition to the SUV family, the Excursion. Apparently, the idea of a rich family enjoying the rewards of driving a hard-earned luxury SUV runs counter the politically correct sensibilities of Greenpeace. In the interest of fairness, I thought I should let you know that I have assembled a worldwide consortium of ivory merchants, nuclear plant owners and slum lords to finance a new generation of SUV, the Juggernaut, now in the late development stages.
The Juggernaut will be the last word in SUVs. At a $375,000 MSRP, we will be niggardly with no detail.
Powered with an 800-horsepower engined fueled with a mixture of diesel, whale blubber and high-sulfur coal, the Juggernaut's emissions will fail pollution standards dating all the way back to 1973. At nearly 6 tons of gross vehicle weight, the Juggernaut will be a fuel inefficient and staggeringly expensive vehicle to operate, putting it well beyond the means of the masses. The raw power and remorseless weight of the Juggernaut will give the driver
enjoying a Sunday drive through a wilderness area, old growth forest,
wildlife preserve or national park an ability to snap a tree in half or run over a large mammal without spilling a drop of latte from one of 28 conveniently located cupholders. The puny .357-magnums carried among Park Rangers will be useless against Juggernaut's armor plating and Plexiglass windows, shaded to provide passengers a shield against the ever-increasing level of UV radiation leaking through the earth's widening ozone hole. Big game hunters after that elusive trophy will appreciate the built-in gun racks perfect for the large-caliber rifles needed bring down a rare African bull elephant.
Also standard on the Juggernaut will be conveniently located ashtrays
specifically intended for underage smokers who admire Joe Camel. While Junior drives his fellow spoiled suburban buddies around during their all-night homophobic rampage, they will be able to smoke their illegally obtained filterless Camels without spilling an ash on the carpet, woven by underage slave labor in an Indonesian sweat shop.
Should anyone be foolish enough to attempt a carjacking, the Juggernaut's features include a hidden console designed to give the driver quick access to an optional Glock .40-caliber pistol with a 14-round clip. Not only are you driver of the world's largest passenger vehicle, you become judge, jury and executioner.
Additional features will include ivory accents purchased from Kenyan
elephant poachers, mahogany wood paneling hewn from the last vestiges of South American rainforests and baby seal calf leather seats brutally obtained in earth's last cool region.
Four air conditioning compressors with enough BTU to cool a three-bedroom house and using CFC-based coolants will spew ozone into the atmosphere while keeping the pampered passengers in 72-degree comfort, no matter how warm our fragile planet becomes due to global warming.
Federal crash tests indicate that when the Juggernaut collides with a Honda Civic from the rear, the compact car and unfortunate lower-class passengers are not only crushed beyond recognition, the Juggernaut rolls completely over the under-sized rice burner with only minor scuffs on the bumper. This will prove quite an advantage for the drunken hit-and-run Juggernaut driver looking to avoid any messy courtroom entanglements in the wake of a fatality traffic accident. All in all, the Juggernaut will be the "must have" environmentally-hostile vehicle for the spoiled, bored elitist living off an obscenely huge trust fund. Appropriately, the Juggernaut will be built in a secret, decrepit sweat shop located in the sweltering heat of Southeast Asia with unpaid slave laborers, giving the stockholders even greater profit. It's estimated
that more than 20 tons of mercury, dioxin and untreated human excrement will dumped into the nearby river each day as a result of the manufacturing process.
Regards,
Jim
P.S. Count me as among those who found humor in the French Navy's masterful job of sinking one of the your vessels. |
