Coby, (off topic), there actually is a cool facet of the avocado tree experience, come to think of it. Been sitting here thinking about it. (You're very generous.) And then I remembered the Crawford's lot experience, through, and it's similar. But maybe impossible to tell them. I really got sidetracked, so you're right I thought of teasers, what with no way to get out of there. And to remind myself to think about them, or similar things.
All of the things of that time are connected, by (like) neural pathways that still work. In contrast, most of the last 12-13 years are varicose and broken. The events are there, but not very there, and not clear. Static.
I think I've just added to my mental (subjective) proof that drugs have damaged my nerves. Well, besides the physical proof.
My techie, who has never really commented on my mental status, has known me 15 years. He understands this situation and keeps people and bullshit away from me. He surprised me last weekend by up and saying, out of the blue, "I think you are doing much better the last six months."
"Really?" See, because subjectively again, I thought so too. It's nearly impossible to tell Drs, or friends who think you've changed, that this is not the way you are. That something is wrong. It sounds like bullshit. "It is the way you are." But my personality and abilities have been severely altered. It's a bitch. It's frustrating, like being crazy. I mean really crazy, walled in or out, not "zany."
All this medicine to keep me alive, but Me has been bleached and dyed to the extent I no longer know myself or where to take up growth again.
It's not hard to spend a decade in moderate illness, but it's really awful to lose it. The life time. What could have been good time. And to lose faculties like memory and adaptiveness, that are crucial to who you are. You also need self-sense and self confidence; corny as that sounds. Confidence is the invisible opposite of paralysis. I know about this mental paralysis, and it is without equal the worst experience I've ever had.
I want me back. I'm really pissed off about it. I need to live here, wife needs me to live here, and I want MY stuff. I think the drugs are now wearing out of my system, and being angry and motivated might actually have a different outcome than they have the last many years.
A mind is a precious thing. In my ignorance, I thought the dangers to it primarily confined in the (partially mythologic) effects of illegal drugs.
~ Wally |
