MONICA'S NEW MOVIE - Part 2
The Wizard of Is
The Frumious Bandersnatch has obtained an early treatment for a movie that
Monica Lewinsky is shopping around Hollywood. Her pitch is based on updating the
classic MGM film, The Wizard of Oz. Last week we presented Part I of her script.
Part II of the treatment follows:
Monica, having left Medialand, comes to a crossroad on the Easy Way Out. Next to the
crossroad is a field of organic corn with an old scarecrow (played by Al Gore) on a post.
Monica: Oh dear! Which road should I take?
Scarecrow: You could take the road to the left. [Monica is startled to hear the scarecrow
speak.] That would win you the support of minorities, environmentalists, labor, and
feminists. On the other hand, it could cost you the soccer moms. The road to the center will
win them back, and garner business support, but could cost you your base. I've been stuck
here for seven years trying to decide the right way to go.
Monica: Why has it taken you so long to decide?
Scarecrow: It's because I have no brain! My head is filled with straw.
Monica: Well, I'm off to Emerald City to see the Wizard of Is. He's going to help get back
home. Maybe he can give you a brain!
Scarecrow: That would be wonderful! Can you help me down?
[She assists him off his perch.]
Monica: What would you do, if you had a brain?
Scarecrow: What would I do?
[Breaks into song.]
I could wile away the hours
Expandin' government powers
And talking acid rain
I could tax your every dollar
Until I make you holler
If I only had a brain
[Dances with Monica.]
I'd be solvin' global warmin'
Great policies I'd be formin'
And feelin' all your pain
[Monica sings:]
With the thoughts you'd be thinkin'
You'd remember who was Lincoln
If you only had a brain
[During the dancing they've lost their bearings, and they head off willy-nilly back up the
road Monica had just come down.
They wander off down a side road, and come to a swamp where they stop to catch
crawdads. They find a tin woodsman (played by James Carville) seized up and covered in
slime. Through his rusted lips he tells them he needs hog grease rubbed all over him so that
he's nice and oily. After they oil his jaws, he begins a non-stop stream of talk. He tells them
about growing up poor, and how it's left him damaged.]
Monica: Damaged? But you look… [She looks him up and down.] Well… you don't look
sick, anyway.
Tin Woodsman: Listen. [Bangs on chest.] It's hollow -- no heart.
Monica: No heart? Why, that's terrible!
Tin Woodsman: You're telling me!
[Sings.]
I'd stop spendin' all my hours
Trashin' Gennifer Flowers
And tearing Jones apart
I'd cooperate on the double --
Not pay off Webster Hubble
If I only had a heart
There'd be no more Corporal Cueball
No longer would I stonewall
Or call Ken Starr a fart
I just might get some nookie
>From my little right-wing cookie
If I only had a heart
[Setting off down the road together, they enter a rather mean-spirited part of the forest.
Tattered social nets hang from twisted trees. Slimy drops of ill-gotten wealth trickle down
onto the hunched backs of the proletariat. The throbbing, shamanisitc drumbeats of voodoo
economics fill the air.]
Monica: Do you think there are any right-wingers in this part of the forest?
Tin Woodsman: Oh, I imagine so.
Scarecrow [shuddering]: What kind of right-wingers?
Tin Woodsman: Oh, perhaps some paleo-cons, or populists, or free-marketers. But
mostly old lions, pro-lifers, and hawks.
All:
Lions, pro-lifers and hawks, oh my!
Lions, pro-lifers and hawks, oh my!
Lions, pro-lifers and hawks, oh my!
Lions, pro-lifers and hawks, oh my!
[A lion, played by Bob Dole, leaps from behind a tree.]
Cowardly Lion: Roar! Roar! Giant tax cuts! Roar!
Tin Woodsman: You mangy ol' pole-cat. More tax giveaways for your fat cat friends,
hey?
Cowardly Lion: Don't say that! I'm terrified of people saying that!
Monica: You're afraid of what people might say?
Cowardly Lion: The Cowardly Lion is afraid of a lot of things. The Cowardly Lion is
afraid of his own poll numbers! The Cowardly Lion is afraid of all the urinals being taken at
the public restroom. He's so scared that he hasn't been able to perform properly for Mrs.
Lion in months. [Sotto voce.] In fact, I can't even remember where my den is located.
Monica: I'm sure the Wizard can help you find some courage. We're going to see him at
the Emerald City.
Cowardly Lion: May Cowardly Lion join you?
Scarecrow: Sure! Let's go.
[All four head down the road. They eventually arrive at the Emerald City, and, after some
difficulties and a makeover from Vanity Fair, find themselves waiting outside the Wizard's
inner office.]
Monica: Mr. Lion, what would you do if you were President of the Forest?
Cowardly Lion:
If I were Prez of the forest
Not rep, not veep, not judge
All my affairs would be private
No Limbaugh, no Goldberg, no Drudge
I'd command each thing in the forest
Wear it star, wear it cross, wear it fez
And the press would watch what it says
If I, if I were Prez
Monica: Mr. President, you wouldn't be afraid of anything?
Cowardly Lion: Not a thing!
Scarecrow: Not even an independent counsel?
Cowardly Lion: I'd give him a good trounsel!
Tin Woodsman: Not even a Grand jury meeting?
Cowardly Lion: I'd give them all a good beating!
Monica: Not even a flashed thong?
Cowardly Lion: My Viagra would make me strong!
[The door to the wizard's inner office opens, emitting clouds of dry ice smoke. They find
themselves in a room with a disco ball, leopard-print wallpaper, and shag carpeting. In the
far corner is a heart-shaped whirlpool. In the center is a large water bed over which is a
mirror. "Disco Inferno" blares from an 8-track quadraphonic stereo:
Burn, baby, burn
Disco inferno!
The floating head of the wizard appears before them. He has slicked-back hair, silk shirt
open to navel, hairy chest, gold chains.]
Wizard of Is: I am the potent and virile Is. How dare you come before me! (All except for
you, Monica, you sweet little thing.) [Winks at her.] What is it you want from Is?
Tin Woodsman: Well, it all started with an over-zealous special prosecutor…
Wizard of Is: Quiet! Is knows what you came for! If you want my help I'll expect some
payback.
Monica: Payback?
Wizard of Is: Yes, yes… a very minor thing, really. The Wizard wants you to bring back
the cigarette lighter of the Wicked Witch of the Really, Really, Extreme Right-Wing.
Scarecrow: Bring back her lighter! Why, we couldn't even pry that from her dead fingers.
Wizard of Is: Go! And don't come back without that lighter!
[Great clouds of tax return audits rise around the Wizard. The four companions flee the
room in terror.]
End of Part II
© 1999, Gene Callahan and Stu Morgenstern Contributing Editors |
