The Perfect Pet
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet
that can do everything.
The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.
The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a
pet that can do everything!"
The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"
The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything,
but okay... I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says to
the centipede,
"Clean the kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and...it's immaculate!
All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the
countertops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's
absolutely amazed.
He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been
vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa
plumped; plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most
amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do
everything!"
Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a
newspaper."
The centipede walks out the door.
10 minutes later... no centipede.
20 minutes later ... no centipede.
30 minutes later ... no centipede.
By this point the man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should
have been back in a couple of minutes.
45 minutes later ... still no centipede! He can't imagine what could have
happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where
is that centipede?
So he goes to the front door, opens it ... and there's the centipede
sitting right outside. The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the
corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"
The centipede says, "I'm goin' goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"
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Preachers in Hell
The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash
over the Atlantic Ocean. Tragically, they all died and went to the pearly
gates together.
"Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think we
summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that
happen. St. Peter was fretting, "Since we weren't expecting you, your
quarters just aren't ready. We can't take you in just yet and we can't
send you back."
Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey,
I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting
them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put
them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. I'll owe you one."
Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.
BUT..... Two days later.."Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get
these three clowns. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham
guy is saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to
buy air conditioning."
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Your Lawyer is Dead
A man calls his lawyer's office."Can I speak to my lawyer?"
The receptionist says,"I'm sorry, but your lawyer has died."
The guy says, "Okay," and hangs up.
The next day, the same guy calls back again. "Can I speak to my lawyer
please?"
The receptionist says, "I told you yesterday. Your lawyer has died."
The guy says, "Okay" and hangs up.
The next day, The same guy calls back."Can I speak to my lawyer please?"
The receptionist says, "Sir, how many times do I have to tell you?
Your lawyer has died. Why do you keep calling here?"
The guy says, "I just like to hear it! "
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ONLY IN MERRY OLDE ENGLAND (an actual trial)
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she
noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on
account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more
amused.She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing.
She had him arrested. When the case came before the court, the young man
was asked why he acted in such a manner.
His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she
was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The
Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloan's Liniments
Remove Swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving
advertisement which read "William Stick Did The Trick". Then I could not
control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an
advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this
accident."
He won the case. |
