Nope, I'm on a roll....
Why did Moses wander the desert for forty years?
He wouldn't ask for directions
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
All the women moaning about finding a husband have obviously never had one
Why do most men prefer looks to brains?
Because most men see better than they think.
What do you call a man who lost 95% of his brainpower?
A widower
When does a man open the door of the car for his wife?
A.When he has a new car.
B.When he has a new wife.
Why are gingerbread men the best men of all?
They are cute. They are sweet. and if they give you any lip, you can bite their heads off.
Why did the bachelor have trouble putting his shoes on?
His mother told him to put fresh socks on every day.
What are the words women hate to hear when they are enjoying great sex?
"Honey! I'm home!"
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
Why don't men eat more M & M's?
They are too hard to peel.
I've got a head I can't think with. An eye I can't see with, and most of all I have to hang around with two nuts all the time. My closest neighbour is an asshole, my best friend is a pussy. Worst of all is my owner beats me all the time!
Why do men need instant replays on TV-sports?
Because they have forgotten what happened after 30 seconds.
Why is a man just like a dog?
A.Both have irrational fears of vacuum cleaning.
B.Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
C.Both are suspicious of the postman.
Why did God create man first?
Easy, He needed a rough draft.
What do ceramic tiles and men have in common?
If you lay them right in the beginning, you can walk over them for life.
How is a man in bed like microwave food?
30 seconds and he is done.
A man makes love like he drives a car...
Never checks to see if you come before he pulls out.
What's it called when a woman gets paralyzed from the waist down?
Marriage.
Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
What do men call pulling off a woman's panty hose?
Foreplay.
What is a husband?
It's an attachment you screw to the bed to get shelves put up.
What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A bar of chocolate.
Did you hear about the woman who finally figured men out?
She died laughing before she could tell anybody.
What would the man call a woman who can suck an orange through a waterhose?
Darling.
What's the definition of Male Chauvinist Pig?
A man who hates every bone in a woman's body - except his own.
Why do men like BMWs?
They can spell it.
Why are men and spray paint alike?
One squeeze and they're all over you
Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much?
They like being able to both eat and make love during the commercial break.
Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?
At least then they would get a little attention every 3 months or 3,000 miles, whichever came first.
Why do blonde women have bruises around their navels?
Blonde men aren't that clever either.
How do you keep a man from wanting sex?
You marry him.
Why do a married man and his single male friend envy each other?
Each one thinks the other is having sex more often.
How many male chauvinistic pigs does it take to change a light bulb?
a) None. Let the bitch do it herself.
b) None. Let the bitch cook in the dark.
How does a real man know whenever his girlfriend is having an orgasm?
We don't know, we never met a man who cares.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
What three little word comes to a mans mind when his wife gets
sentimental over a romantic movie?
"Pass the popcorn."
Why don't men get hemorrhoids?
Because they are all perfect assholes.
Why are men like paper cups?
They're dispensable.
How can a woman find out what life's like without a man around?
Get married.
What is the difference between a pregnant belly and a beer belly?
One gives birth and the other gives burps.
How are boyfriends like cockroaches?
They hang around the kitchen and it's hard to get rid of them.
What piece of furniture was named after the typical man?
The La-Z-Boy recliner.
If one man can wash one stack of dishes in one hour, how many stacks of dishes can four men wash in four hours?
None. They'll all sit down together and watch football on television.
What's the greatest mystery about men?
How they can get older but still manage to remain immature.
How can you tell if a man's playing around?
He sends you love notes that are photocopied and begin with the line, "To whom it may concern..."
What do men have difficulty retaining?
a) a job
b) a budget
c) a promise
d) a secret
e) a friendship
f) a marriage
g) an anniversary date
h) a 15 minute erection
i) all of the above
What does a man notice most when he's with his girlfriend?
Every other woman around.
What's the only way to have your husband remember your anniversary?
Get married on his birthday.
Who are balding men trying to fool when they comb the few wisps of hair that they still have, across their heads?
Themselves.
How is a man and a sports car alike?
Neither one can be depended on and they both move too fast.
Why did the man cross the road?
a) Because his penis told him to.
b) Because he thought he could get laid if he did.
c) So the useless driver (a woman) down the street could hit him.
d) Because another man dared him to and called him a pussy.
What do you do if your bank account stops working?
Divorce him.
Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?
A mental hospital.
What do you get when four men go fishing and one comes back after having caught nothing?
"Three Men And A Baby"
How many men does it take to dirty up 12 pots while cooking a meal?
One
What is the only weight lifting many men do in a day?
Lifting themselves out of bed and doing arm curls with beer can dumbbells.
What is the average number of times in a bachelor's life that his bed is made?
Once, when it was still in the factory.
Which of the following lines will do a better job of frightening a man away?
a) Get away or I'll call the police!!!
b) I love you and want to marry you and have your children.
How many male chauvinistic pigs does it take to open a beer can?
None. The bitch should have had it open when she brought it.
How many husbands does it take to change a light bulb?
a) We'll know as soon as one gets off the couch and does it.
b) Six. One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs.
What's the easiest way for a wife cause hearing loss in her husband?
Say she wants to talk to him.
When do men insist that women are illogical?
When a woman doesn't agree with them.
What's the real reason men can't communicate?
It's hard to drink beer and talk at the same time.
What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.
Why do so few men end up in heaven?
They never stop to ask for directions.
What does a man think foreplay is?
a) It's something that you do on the golf course.
b) It's something that occurs 2 minutes before having sex.
How do some men avoid making a wrong career move?
They never get a job.
What is a "man about town"?
He's here, there, and everywhere, except home.
What could men do to make their marriages last longer?
Pay less attention to prenuptial agreements and more to postnuptial affection.
What are the only two kinds of men?
Studs and duds.
How can you tell it's puppy love for a man?
He slobbers all over you.
What can a woman find at both gyms and singles bars?
Dumbbells.
How could Will Rogers say, "I never met a man I didn't like"?
He never had to date one.
How can you tell if a man you're dating is lazy?
He *throws* his kisses. |
