I just received this e-mail and am reproducing it without cleaning it up, not even touching it. I laughed so hard that I had to share and hope no one is offended.
This is an actual article from the LA
Times......
”In retrospect, lighting the match was my big
mistake. But I was only
trying to retrieve the gerbil,” Eric Tomazewski
told bemused doctors in
the Severe Burn Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.
Tomazewski and his homosexual partner Andrew
“Kiki” Farnum had been
admitted for emergency treatment after a
felching session had gone
seriously wrong. “I pushed a cardboard tube up
his rectum and slipped
Raggot, our gerbil, in.”, he explained. “As
usual, Kiki shouted out
'Armageddon', my cue that he'd had enough. I
tried to retrieve Raggot but
he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the
tube and struck a match,
thinking the light might attract him.”
At a hushed press conference, a hospital
spokesman described what happened
next. “The match ignited a pocket of intestinal
gas and a flame shot out
of the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomazewski's hair
and severely burning his
face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and
whiskers which ignited a
larger pocket of gas further up the intestine,
propelling the rodent out
like a cannonball. Tomazewski suffered second
degree burns and a broken
nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum
suffered first and second
degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal
tract.
Editor's Notes : Top Ten Scariest Things About
This Story
10. “I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum
.... “
9. “So I peered in to the tube ...”.(I'm sorry,
but that's like looking
through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use
binoculars to stare at the
sun).
8. That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from
low self esteem) being
shot out of a guy's ass like Rocky the Flying
Squirrel on Rocky and
Bullwinkle.
7. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being
launched out of someone's
anus. I'm guessing, but I seriously doubt the
gerbil was springtime fresh
after his journey in Kiki's “tunnel of love.”
6. People walking around with these
volcanic-like pockets of gas in their
rectums.
5. People who do this kind of thing and then
admit what they were doing
when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I
think I would have made up
a
story about a gang of roving, pyromanical, anal
sex fiends breaking into
my
house and sodomizing me with charcoal lighter
fluid before admitting the
truth.
Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine
looking at a doctor and
saying “Well Doc, it's like this. You see, we
have this gerbil named
Raggot and we took a cardboard tube ...”
4. “First and second degree burns to the anus.”
Wouldn't this make the
burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a
welcome relief ? How does
one ever take a healthy dump after something
like this ? And the smell of
a burning anus must in the top five most
horrible scents on the face of
God's green earth.
3. People names “Kiki” which is obviously a
Polynesian word for “Idiotic
white man who inserts rodents up his butt.”
2. What kind of hospital would hold a press
conference on this ?
1. This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind
of people are those
Mormons? I am getting a whole new image of the
Osmond family.
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