This is cute...thought I'd share. My cut and paste skills need work you will see.
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By: SG-213
Reply To: None
Friday, 21 May 1999 at 2:35 PM EDT
Post # of 6299
OT: Time for Comic Relief
Things are just too serious around here.
The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in Newport, Vermont who digs
things out of his back yard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling
them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archaeological finds. This guy really
exists and does this in his spare time! Anyway...here's the actual response from the
Smithsonian Institution. Bear this in mind next time you think you are challenged in your duty to
respond to a difficult situation in writing...
____________________________________________________
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Mr. Williams:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "93211-D, layer seven, next to
the clothesline post...Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed
examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents
conclusive proof of the presence of E a million years ago. Rather, it appears that what you
have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety that one of our staff, who has small
children, believes to be "Malibu Barbie."
It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and
you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were
loathe to come to contradiction with your findings.
However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which
might have tipped you off to its modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the
threshold of even the earliest identified proto-homonids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with the common domesticated
dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the
wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses
you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather
heavily against it.
Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed
on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen
carbon-dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation,
and partly due to carbon-dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To
the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and
carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.
Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation
Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name
"ustralopithecus spiff-arino". Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the
acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species
name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the
museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting
example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should
know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the
specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates
daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your
Newport back yard.
We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and
several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing
you expand on your theories surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a
structural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently
discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive
crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Chief Curator-Antiquities>>
(Voluntary Disclosure: Position- Long)
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