Pinky's Tailing Box Presents:
A Memorial Day 1999 Special:
LOL Soldiers
Hello Gentlemen, I'm Ms. Krugerrand, secretary to Mr. Bars of LORALtech.
Irwin Welfare: Where is everybody else?
Mr. Mars: There is no everybody else. We are the last investors in metals. I purchased Bartland Toys because of you gentlemen. Now let's talk about the future.
Irwin: Gold down another $50--silver down 75 cents or more...
BUMP
Larry Spendsome: What Irwin means is we have great ideas for future toy sales...
Irwin: I designed the Goldgone-yikes...to help kids learn from their investing mistakes.
Mr. Bars: Did you say "learn"? Metals investors never learn.
Larry: Mr. Mars, the future is here...
"Major Blue Chip Hazard reporting for duty, Sir!"
Mr. Bars: Blue Chips destroying the enemy--these freaky Goldgone-yikes. I like it. Use whatever technology from LORALtech Industries you need to make these toys real. Goodday gentlemen.
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Irwin: Larry, this is wrong, this is really wrong. This is a total perversion of everything I designed the Goldgone-yikes to be...
Larry: Gold's down another buck eighty today--welcome to the real world, Irwin.
Ms. Krugerrand: Gentlemen, these are your security cards. These will give you unlimited access to all top secret level technology. And these are your passwords, please take a moment to memorize them right now.
Irwin: But Miss Krugerrand, I can't read Chinese.
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Driver Joe: I don't know kid--if I sign these toys over to your store and anything happens to them I'm canned.
Kid: What are the toys made out of?
Joe: Mostly gold, silver, and copper wiring.
Kid: Then who'd miss them?
Joe: What about your dad's policy of no war toys?
Kid: No problem--he's a progressive Yuppie Hawk now.
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Greetings...I am Archer, emissary of the Goldgone-yikes...I am Archer, emissary of the Goldgone-yikes...I am...
Kid: I am Alan, now shut up.
Archer: Greetings Alan now shut up.
Alan: It's Alan-just Alan.
Archer: . Beware, there will be no mercy.
Alan: I know, I've been in metals for years.
@@
Blue Chip Hazard: Commando Elite--fall in! Roll call!
Nick Nitro, explosives.
Bret Bazooka, projectiles.
Link Static, communications, MetroPlus Division, reporting for duty, Sir!
Major Hazard: Are you for real soldier?!!
Link Static: No, I'm telephony.
Blue Blue Chip Hazard: Look alive son, we'll need you to short out the metals.
Men, we have not yet begun to destroy the Goldgone-yikes in their flight to safety. Give me liberty, or give me a put position against the Philidelphia Gold&Silver Index. Dam the Guadal Canal, LOL Team ahead! Search the area and secure new arms!
Nick Nitro: Secure new arms? Why?
Blue Chip Hazard: 6 years of Clinton Administration and you ask why soldier?
$$
Kid: My dad's toystore is trashed! Oh am I in trouble.
RING RING
Christy: Alan, what happened to your shop? It looks like a bull went through it.
Alan: No market bull here, but if my father finds out, he'll still put me in stocks.
Christy: I'll help you clean up...
...Alan: Thanks for helping Christie. I guess I'll bike home.
$$
Nick Nitro: Enemy spotted Sir! Am in pursuit! A-a-a-a-a-ahhhhhhhhh! Sir, the enemy has escaped--I'm wounded.
Blue Chip Hazard: Hang tight soldier, we're on our way. Medic!
Nick Nitro: I'm scared Sir.
Blue Chip Hazard: Are you scared? We're all scared. With PE ratios at 36 you'd have to be crazy not to be scared.
Okay men, we kidnap the female Goldgone-yikes ally.
$$
Alan: What's this--a video...
"Alan, I am safe and have not been harmed. I'm making this statement of my own free will and under no duress."
(Background voice of Hazard: "Keep talking or we tranfer all of your assets to metals...")
"I will be released safe and unharmed only if the following conditions are met:
1. Release the Goldgone-yikes scum."
@@
Cannon Fodder Gwendy reporting for duty Sir!
Blue Chip Hazard: Are you one of the Aden sisters?
Commando Elite--ATTACK!
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Christy: You saved me Alan, what do we do now?
Alan: We counterattack.
RING RING
Irwin: Is an Alan Apathy here? We sold you some toys that might be defective.
Larry: Irwin, Major Blue Chip Hazard's Commandos are attacking the house!
Irwin: There is only one way to destroy them.
Alan: What's that?
Irwin: Short them severely enough and they'll crash. |
