Mike,
Thought you would appreciate this:
Steve
Subject: The Americans With No Abilities Act
WASHINGTON, DC - On Tuesday, Congress approved the Americans With No
Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and
protection for more than 135 million talentless Americans. The act,
signed into law by President Clinton in Shanghai shortly after its
passage, is being hailed as a major victory for the millions upon
millions of U.S. citizens who lack any real skills or uses.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans-through no fault of their own-do not
possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role for
themselves in society," said Clinton, a longtime ANA supporter.
"Their lives are futile hamster-wheel existences of unrewarding,
dead-end busywork: Xeroxing documents written by others, fulfilling
mail-in rebates for Black & Decker toaster ovens, and processing
bureaucratic forms that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for these
millions of nonabled Americans, the American dream of working hard and
moving up through the ranks is simply not a reality."
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million
important-sounding "middle man" positions will be created in the
white-collar sector for nonabled persons, providing them with an
illusory sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory,
non-performance-based raises and promotions will also be offered to
create a sense of upward mobility for even the most unremarkable,
utterly replaceable employees. The legislation also provides
corporations with incentives to hire nonabled workers, including tax
breaks for those who hire one non-germane worker for every two
talented hirees.
Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act also contains tough new
measures to prevent discrimination against the nonabled by banning
prospective employers from asking such job-interview questions as,
"What can you bring to this organization?" and "Do you have any
special skills that would make you an asset to this company?" "As a
nonabled person, I frequently find myself unable to keep up with
co-workers who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz,
who lost her position as an unessential filing clerk at a Minneapolis
tile wholesaler last month because of her lack of notable skills.
"This new law should really help people like me."
With the passage of the Americans With No Abilities Act, Gertz and
millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the
end of the tunnel. Said Clinton: "It is our duty, both as lawmakers
and as human beings, to provide each and every American citizen,
regardless of his or her lack of value to society or, for that matter,
the human race; some sort of void to fill in this great nation."
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