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Pastimes : Happy Hour: A thread for not so intelligent discussions -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Robert O who wrote (1036)	6/24/1999 10:06:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

*Got this from another thread - hope it isn't true!!* Is Barney Satan? Check this Barney the dinosaur theory out. 1) Start with the given: CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR 2) Change all U's to V's (which is proper Latin anyway): CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR 3) Extract all Roman Numerals: C V V L D I V 4) Convert into Arabic values: 100 5 5 50 500 1 5 5) Add all the numbers: 666 Thus, Barney is Satan.

To: Robert O who wrote (1036)	6/24/1999 10:13:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

Bill Clinton's Fan Mail Dear Bill: As a fellow Southern Baptist, I can sympathize with your predicament. Although when I was president I merely lusted in my heart, I have to admit that had I served another term, my lust might have broken free and moved down my body. God bless you in this time of trial. Jimmy Carter === Dear Bill: OK, so I'll never be president, but at least Donna Rice was a fox. What's more, I want to say this to the American People. Unlike you I HAD a relationship with that woman! Gary Hart === My Dear Chap: This is a bit of a sticky wicket, but if I were you, I should ask that charming Jay Leno fellow to see you through. Pop onto his show, admit that you made an ass of yourself and all will be forgiven. Hugh Grant === Bill: They entrapped me, they framed me, they caught me in a motel with drugs and a prostitute, but I bounced back and so can you! Mayor Marion Barry === Dear Mr. President: You may have noticed that I'm not jumping on the impeachment bandwagon. This is a way of showing my gratitude for creating the greatest pick-up line in years, namely that oral copulation doesn't constitute sex. Just today I have already used it successfully four times and it's not even 10 am yet. Warm personal regards, Newt === Dear Mr. President: Now I'm on the Supreme Court. I'm here for life! And there's nothing anyone can do about it! So there! Justice Clarence Thomas === Dear Former Worthy Opponent: Whoo, Boy! All I can say is, Bob Dole would never have gotten himself into this mess. Not Bob Dole! Not before Viagra, anyway! Bob Dole === Dear Mr. President: I think it's terrible what they are doing to you, and I want you to know that if you need to get away from it all, you're welcome to bring Buddy and stay with me on my Wonderland Ranch for as long as you want. I'll move the Cub Scout Pack to a tent on the lawn and you can have their room. Michael Jackson === Dear Bill: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Jim Bakker P.S. Jessica sends regards and wants to get together with you sometime. === Dear Bill: Next time (if there is a next time), don't let them get you on tape. Big mistake!! With sympathy, Rob Lowe === Dear Bill: I know things look bad for you now but take it from me - the American public is very forgiving and one day it will all be just water under the bridge. Regards, Senator Edward Kennedy === Dear Bill: Things were grim for a while, but now it looks like I might actually manage to marry my darling Camilla, and someday I'll be King! Funny how life turns out. So keep a stiff upper lip! (And relax everything else, haha! And they say I don't have a sense of humor). As we British say, keep your pecker up! H.R.H. Charles Windsor, Prince of Wales === Dear Mr. President, We invite you to be the cover subject of our next issue. Editor, Cigar Magazine === Dear Bill: Congratulations on your election. You are a shining example to us all. Could you and Hillary join us for dinner next Tuesday? We plan to invite the Nixons and Agnews as well. Sincerely, Ronald Reagan === Dear Mr. President: You have taken a big load off my mind. For a long time my conscience had been bothering me but now I can honestly say that I told the truth when I publicly stated that I had never committed adultery. I am truly sorry that your liaisons with Ms. Lewinsky have become such a political hot potatoe but you are still my heroe. Respectfully, Senator Dan Quayle

To: Robert O who wrote (1036)	6/24/1999 10:18:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

There's this man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a costume party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note, "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate". The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says, "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part". Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint. The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a tin of caramel. Pour the tin of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple!"

To: Robert O who wrote (1036)	6/24/1999 10:19:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

THE MORNING SONG ... FOR NON-MORNING PEOPLE > - Submitted by Robert Quayle > _____________________________________________ > > I woke early one morning, > The earth lay cool and still > When suddenly a tiny bird > Perch on my window sill, > He sang a song so lovely > So carefree and so gay, > That slowly all my troubles > Began to slip away. > He sang of far off places > Of laughter and of fun, > It seemed his very trilling, > Brought up the morning sun. > I stirred beneath the covers > Crept slowly out of bed, > And gently lowered the window > And crushed his freakin' head. >

To: Robert O who wrote (1036)	6/24/1999 10:20:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

While making her rounds, the Head Nurse noticed a young female patient missing. Pressing the intercom, she said "Lori, where's the patient in 340?" "Oh!" came the reply. "Well... she was complaining of severe chills, so I put her in bed with Mr. Johnson in 328 who was running that high fever."

To: Robert O who wrote (1036)	6/24/1999 10:22:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

Two morons are trying to measure a telephone pole. They keep trying to climb it and keep sliding down. Along comes this really big, musclebound shmuck and says, "Hey, what are you guys doing?" The two idiots say, "We're trying to measure the height of this pole." The schmuck wraps his arms around the pole, pulls it out of the ground, lays it down and measures it. Then he picks it up, puts it back in the ground, says "40 feet" and walks away. The first moron says to the other, "What a stupid idiot - we wanted the height, not the width."

To: Robert O who wrote (1036)	6/24/1999 10:24:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

A SINGLE WOMAN'S PRAYER Now I lay me down to sleep. Please don't send me no more creeps. Please just send me one good man. One without a wedding band. One good man who's sweet as pie. Who brushed his teeth and doesn't lie. Who dresses neat and doesn't smell. And is sexy like my man Denzel. Is super-rich like Michael J. On second thought, that's okay. Man, if I should die before I wake, That would truly take the cake; No matrimony or honeymoon. No fancy reception planned for June. No throwing of the wedding bouquet. Please, God, don't let me go out that way. If I die before I meet Mr. Right I won't go out without a fight. But then again with my luck, He'd probably be just some schmuck. The single life is not that bad I know it's just a passing fad. I won't be blue. I will not frown. Besides, I like my toilet seat down. No more makeup, won't comb my hair. So never mind this stupid prayer.