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Pastimes : Happy Hour: A thread for not so intelligent discussions -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Susie924 who wrote (1085)	7/1/1999 9:59:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

Subject: Rejected Hallmark Cards: >>> >> 1. So your daughter's a hooker, >>> >> and it spoiled your day... >>> >> Look at the bright side, >>> >> she's a really good lay. >>> >> >>> >> 2. My tire was thumping.... >>> >> I thought it was flat.... >>> >> when I looked at the tire.... >>> >> I noticed your cat... Sorry. >>> >> >>> >> 3. You had your bladder removed >>> >> and you're on the mends.... >>> >> here's a bouquet of flowers >>> >> and a box of Depends. >>> >> >>> >> 4. You've announced that you're gay, >>> >> won't that be a laugh, >>> >> when they find out you're one >>> >> of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. >>> >> >>> >> 5. Happy Vasectomy! >>> >> Hope you feel zippy! >>> >> 'Cause when I had mine >>> >> I got real snippy. >>> >> >>> >> 6. Heard your wife left you... >>> >> How upset you must be... >>> >> But don't fret about it .... >>> >> She moved in with me >>> >> >>> >> 7. Your computer is dead... >>> >> it was once so alive >>> >> Don't you regret installing >>> >> Windows 95? >>> >> >>> >> 8. You totaled your car... >>> >> and can't remember why... >>> >> could it have been... >>> >> that case of Bud Dry?

To: Susie924 who wrote (1085)	7/1/1999 10:03:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

Just saw a report on CNN, they have finally released the ingredients in Viagra. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2% aspirin, 2% ibuprofen, 1% filler, * * * * * * and 95% "Fix-a-Flat"

To: Susie924 who wrote (1085)	7/1/1999 12:39:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife cried, "What are we going to do?" "Nothing," said the husband, "The lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out of it!"

To: Susie924 who wrote (1085)	7/1/1999 12:40:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

Subject: A little something to offend everybody... What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, including a recipe. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell 'BINGO'! What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment. Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. What do you call a Nebraska farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp. What do you get if you cross Kaczinski with Lewinsky? A dynamite blow-job. Why do Driver Education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays? Because on Tuesdays and Thursdays, the Sex Ed class uses it. What's the Cuban national anthem? "Row, Row, Row Your Boat!"

To: Susie924 who wrote (1085)	7/1/1999 1:06:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

Subject: The wit of Steven Wright: Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time." So what's the speed of dark? After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water? Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food? If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in? I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections? Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? How come 'abbreviated' is such a long word? If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead? Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together? Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have? If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money? What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way? Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!! Do fish get cramps after eating? Why are there so many syllables in the word "monosyllabic"? Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go? Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adoor? Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress? Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons? Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of? Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it? Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate? Do married people live longer than single people, or does it just SEEM longer? I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? Isn't the best way to save face, to keep the lower part shut? War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

To: Susie924 who wrote (1085)	7/1/1999 1:15:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

Subject: Fwd: Why Men Can't Win WHY MEN CAN'T WIN >If you work too hard, you're not spending enough time with her. >If you don't work hard enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum. > >If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation. >If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off >your butt and find something better. > >If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism. >If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity. > >If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. >If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. > >If you cry, you're a wimp. >If you don't, you're insensitive. > >If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. >If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. > >If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. >If she asks you, it's a favor. > >If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. >If you don't, you're a slob. > >If you buy her flowers, you're after something. >If you don't, you're not thoughtful. > >If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist. >If you're not, you're not ambitious. > >If she has a headache, she's tired. >If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.